I’ve had another awful row with my partner. It is clear to her that my love affair with alcohol is to blame, I’m not so certain. This has been the main source of arguments throughout our relationship. My partner has been telling me for years that when I cut back on drinking we get on so much better, connect more and she begins to fall in love with me again, however when I start to drink it reverses that and she can’t stand me.

For years I’ve been hiding the reality from myself, deep down inside I know that if I didn’t drink at all I would probably be in a better mood and nicer to be around and happier. However this is usually just a fleeting visit of positivity, as the addiction monster swoops in and suffocates that thought in an instant. Defending its turf.

I’m aware that everyday I look forward to devouring a couple of beers in the evening. It normally starts occuring to me at about 2pm. Although 2 beers (scooners) isn’t much, I have to recognise that the priority and intention every day grows and grows as it gets closer to 5 pm. All I can think about at this time is having a beer or glass of wine. It’s domineering my judgment of what is important in life and what my priorities are. As the great Chinese proverb says, first the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.

I eventually realise that I am on more of a slippery slope than I am aware of and have to deal with this now, or face losing my family forever… I have been kidding myself for the past year. I have known for some time that I have a penchant for alcohol which renders me blind. I thought that if I downloaded the drinkaware app I could stagger my drinking, have days off, live a happy and normal life with alcohol sometimes present and other times not, just like with normal people. I courageously jotted down every drink in my app, measuring my units with every week trying to stick to under 30 or so. Sometimes it would creep to 40. Before this my habit was approximately 80 units per week.

Although this stabilised me and I began to see the benefits, such as my relationships improving with my partner, family etc. the reality was that I still had the same desire and priority for alcohol. Days off were boring, all I was doing was thinking about the following day when I could freely have a drink. It slowly dawned on me that my happiness was categorised to whether I was having a drink or not. Yet, I carried on to ignore this factor and inhabit the cycle of alcohol’s grip.

This week however, I realised the game was up, I had to take control of my mind and body now. I almost had a split second where everything became clear and I realized there was no going back, I was done with alcohol. I began to read and research about others in the same peril and devised a plan to start my new life.

Denial was dead. And as the cliche came to light it was realised. The thought of me losing everything took control and dragged me out of my slumber, giving me a good shake in the process.

I called my GP and arranged an appointment with the local alcohol and drug support centre. I went cold turkey and made sure I had treats, such is the reward mechanism required with dependents. Soft drinks, sweets and other delights that could comfort me over the following week. I knew it would take the best part of four days to get over initial cravings and a further three days to feel over the curve. I knew what to expect; day 4 will be the toughest. Or there abouts..

In my case I had already read that it was safe to give up, I was well under 10 units a day with my habit and down to 30 units a week.

(It is  important to say to any other alcohol dependants out there that if you are not under this threshold it is very dangerous to give up so please do not try to do so without speaking to your GP.)

With everything to lose I went for it. Day one was like a normal day, just thinking about having a drink the following day.

Day 2 was ironically easier and I began to feel pride that I was really going to do it this time and get past my personal goal of three days without a drink. I knew that my personal time of day was 5 pm for drinking. This was the struggle, as long as I could get from 5 to 9pm without drinking I should be close enough to bed, time to close the deal. Another day down and done.

Day 3, my personal record. I was definitely pinning for a drink but stayed strong. I occupied my mind, made music, practised the drums, did my work for my day job, prepared meals and just tried to get through the day to bedtime. Cravings only lasted 20 minutes. Knowing this helped me to soldier on. No going back.

Day 4 I began to feel anxious, sweaty, colours began to run into one. I later found out that these were mild  hallucinations associated with delirium tremens. This can be very unsafe and lead to seizures. I was foolish to do this without the support of medication, the clinic and my GP at the time. I was however desperate. My GP could not offer me an appointment for 4 weeks. They did refer me to the local drug and alcohol abuse centre but the same issue occured, a five-week wait for an appointment. I did the research and assessed that my alcohol intake was low enough for me to continue.

The morning of Day 5 and I noticed an improvement. I figured that I was over the worst of it and could actually sense victory. From here cravings became less and I really sensed achievement. It was infectious and motivation subsequently began to build. I could finally visualise a glimpse of what my future might hold and I was excited.

I began scheming about what I could do, and how I could take my life into a new direction. I did an assessment of how much alcohol I was consuming a month and how much I was spending on it. It came to light I was consuming 350 pounds worth of alcohol per month! I immediately said to myself that if I take all of this money and put it into my health, that it would help me to heal.

I joined a luxury gym and began my exercise and health routine the next day.

Then something unexpected happened, along came a dark and lonely acceptance.. I slowly began to be consumed by guilt and shame over all the things that have happened. All the time lost. All the damage to myself and my family that I was to blame for. This was solely the most impactful realisation of the entire process. I was, and still am completely ashamed. This in itself will take much time to understand and heal.

I sought the support of friends and family. They were amazing to me and so proud that I was taking this step. One friend suggested to me that my childhood trauma could be a route cause, as it was for him and referred me to a meditation app that helped him. I had always been sceptical of this, however being at rock bottom I thought, why not give it a try. My friend said to me that the techniques he had learnt in meditation helped him to deal with things that upset him or ‘triggers’. I definitely suffered from that and my partner had told me so. She hated it that I would react when she said things that upset me. I knew that I had a temper and if I could somehow learn more about myself and what my triggers were along with the tools to cope in those situations then maybe I could be happier and more tolerable for people around me. I completely opened up to Meditation that week and began to join classes at the gym.

Day 7 and the end of the week involved me going to my first social engagement, a family party to celebrate New Year. I dreaded it because I knew everyone would be drinking except me…