As week 1 came to a close, I had the unenviable task of going to my first social engagement on day 7. Although it was with my full Family I absolutely dreaded it. I knew that it would involve everybody drinking and getting merry. There would be 20 people or more and the thought that I would not be able to drink, as well as be there for five hours or so, was daunting.

I managed to get through the evening drinking soft drinks, and making small talk, however by the third hour I began to become more anxious and withdrawn from talking with people. I just wanted the sanctity of home. The party eventually came to a close and I had the added luxury of being able to drive everybody home. Rest at last. I was disappointed that I hadn’t had a good time out, however I knew that this was likely and just a start. I said to myself that I won’t feel this way forever and this is probably the toughest moment. I kind of patted myself on the back and said ‘you’ve made a good start kid, don’t beat yourself up.’

The following week was a lot calmer, although the shame and guilt remained. I noticed that I no longer had physical cravings but psychological ones. These I could cope with by avoiding places and scenarios where I would normally be drinking.  I arranged my first appointment with my personal trainer at my gym and began to do my workouts. The spa became a real source of healing for me, I would spend two to three hours every day either doing cardio or some weights coupled with time in the steam room, sauna and hydro pool. There was also a meditation room that called to me, but I wasn’t brave enough to go in there to begin with. As the week went by, I began to have thoughts of what I could do in four weeks time. I knew that four weeks was pivotal in most recovery timelines, so booked my favourite restaurant in the neighborhood to celebrate if I achieved a month without alcohol. I also thought that I would only be giving up for a month to begin with, the idea being to reset and come back to drinking socially after this time.

The days calmly went by with no incident. I continued to focus on myself, go to the gym and do my workouts. I noticed that there was an extensive list of extra classes available so booked myself onto some, including sound meditation and tennis. This gave me something to look forward to for week 3.

The guilt however continues to gnaw at me. It’s having such an affect on my outlook, that I feel my personality changing. Who am I? I’m looking back at moments and resenting my actions immensly. My gut tells me to accept them, own them and learn who I want to be. It’s as if there is a real me inside, that has been suppressed for years and is now ready to emerge. It’s exciting and if anything, encourages me to stay on this path.