I have been going to the gym nearly every day this week. I am establishing a routine away from alcohol. The cravings are subsiding, I’m losing weight fast and finding myself attractive again. I had steadily put on weight over the past decade, drinking 10 units a day will do that to you, especially with no exercise. I used to employ tactics like skipping breakfast and light lunches to make room for alcohol, and although I knew this was bad for me the alcohol monster disagreed and regularly gave me a slap in the face to keep my priorities straight. Drink first, everything else later.

My partner is still distant and cold. I expected that and understand that it could take months, years or not at all to make some sort of amends for the past. I need to focus on myself, my recovery and accept what will be will be.

I’m really enjoying my time with my kids. I’m cursing myself for all the lost time to alcohol and sacrificed time to its evil plunder, but trying to look forwards and not dwell in the past. I’ve started doing a little gardening as winter subsides and the grass begins to grow. It’s really helping me, reducing my anxiety and inducing positivity. I’m looking forward to spring and all the life it brings.

The shame and guilt hits me in waves, I am using my new found skills in meditation to value and notice them but not be absorbed in their downward spiral. What can I gain from that? Nothing.

My Mum and brother are being a great support, they check in on me everyday and without judging they are there for me, listening and showing empathy and compassion. I am lucky to have so much love around me and am excited for the future, my new life and being healthy, fit and tuned both mentally and physically.

Next week I am going to see Soom T at Hootannany in Brixton with my partner and brother. I am a big fan and really looking forward to it, although I am a little anxious about being around people drinking for an extended period of time. It is however a critical part of my journey, I must be able to live and enjoy a life without alcohol. My brother and partner have also agreed not to drink, so that will be a great support, although in the future I want people to be free to do what they want around me, without thought, guilt or concern for what I might be thinking. That has to start with me first, and overcoming psychological dependance.

It’s also coming up to four weeks, a real milestone. I thought at this juncture I’d be preparing to start drinking again however I really don’t have a taste for it and I’m beginning to not want alcohol. There are of course moments where maybe I see somebody having a beer in the window of a pub, or glass of wine with their meal at a restaurant, however there are other times where the thought  of a drink disgusts me. I’m taking each day at a time and trying not to put any pressure on myself. At the end of this week I have my night booked at my favourite restaurant and I’m looking forward to going there with my partner. I can safely say that I will not be drinking on the night, despite it being a superb French restaurant, where I can imagine I would love to have a glass of wine with an impeccable plate of food. But not this time. It’s as much a test for me as anything might have been in my life. I am curious to how these two nights will pan out, and what I will learn from them as a non-drinker.