At the end of week 4 I had planned a meal at my favourite local restaurant by way of a celebration. At the time of booking I wasn’t sure if I would be going with my partner, my brother, a friend or on my own. I had set it as a victory dinner, but also a test. To add to this, the Soom T gig at Hootannany was the following day. Back to back spots with alcohol in abundance.

The dialogue with my partner has been constructive and supportive, although emotionally distant. I understand this as she has suffered for years to my issues with addiction. As the two evenings approach, I have shared with her the anxiety and apprehension I feel towards both evenings. There is also excitement and a childlike thrill to be finally going out. Feelings of happiness are returning which have been completely absent for the past month. I am however comfortable with this slow release. 

Friday night arrives, and  we drop the kids at my Mother’s house and make our way to ‘Les 2 Garcons’, fabulous french fanfare, service and ambience. The restaurant has recently moved and the new premises is even more delightful. I feel as if I have been transported to Paris, somewhere perhaps in Montparnasse or Sacre Coeur. Upon entering, the dining room is full, conversation flowing with flickering low light adorning the walls. Red wine glasses populate every table like diners themselves; I imagine they are the real guests, with the patrons being the vessels for their existence. Bordeaux is my favourite drink, a Margaux, a Haut Médoc or Pommeröl being my go to. Bottles surround me. I acknowledge my senses. I feel strength and resilience. We take our table on the far side of the restaurant below the specials board, it is perhaps the best tete a tete table available, we take our seats and peruse the menu. I feel comfortable and unfazed by the copious drinking around me. Without thought, I let my partner know they can drink if they like, she is surprised and asks me if I am sure. I find this supportive, considerate and compassionate. She proceeds and orders a glass of pinot noir, I order a tonic water with lime. We familiarise ourselves with the menu, flirting with its possibilities and combinations. Eventually, I select the chicory, blue cheese, candied walnut salad, followed by a steak. My partner orders the tuna tartare and braised ox cheek. The drinks arrive. Surprisingly I feel no urges. I am anticipating the dishes arrival and imagining the textures and flavours that await.

They arrive and are knockout. We are having a good time, I feel good. My partner is happy and I am lucky to be dining with such a beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful human being. I feel alive and energised. Young and able. A second chance possibly to make things right for myself and those I love.

Then, suddenly on a table next to me, I see a diner pour an overly large glass of red wine. It appears to be a deep, robust, velvety Bordeaux. Bang, in an instant I am overcome with a desired focus. I want it. Like a Hitchcock dolly zoom, everything fades to periphery and the glass dominates my focus. Closer and closer it appears. I tell my partner immediately and slowly come to terms with reality. I’m still in the clenches of addiction. Rendered, dominated, consumed. Breathe. I use my teachings to take back control, slowly the feelings dissipate and I feel a real breakthrough. I am so relieved, for now.

The rest of the meal is a delight, I am unaffected by the drinking around me. I have been tested and and am learning. One step forward. Achievement, pride, humility, emotion all in one. We pick up the kids and bring the night to a close. I sleep well and awake refreshed.

The following day is Soom T. I am less anxious, given the progress the night before, and am ready to go to a nightclub. I pick up my brother and for the first time in 30 years I drive on an evening out. I am looking forward to driving home without paying extortionate prices for a cab or getting the night tube from Brixton all the way back to North London. There is something symbolic about that, perhaps a flashback to my time before alcohol dependency.

We arrive at the club, the music is good, revellers all around enjoying themselves. We go to the bar and I timidly order a ginger ale. £2. It’s the only drink I get all night. My partner and brother choose not to drink, we had already agreed that no one would drink on this night out, however given my progress yesterday, I offer them the freedom to consume if they want to. Both decline willingly.

We have a great night, however it is slightly tarnished by the young, drunk crowd, bumping and spilling their drinks everywhere, including over my partner. We leave just before closing and return Northside, this time I had no alcoholic urges, there were even moments during the evening where I began to feel the rush of dopamine release, happiness is returning. For so long alcohol has been the gatekeeper. But now I have the keys. I am positive about the changes I am making and looking forward to the week ahead.