I’ve been moving forward very well in all areas of my recovery. Mindset, physical health, consciousness, mood, diet, but not sleep. Ironically I sleep less than when I was drinking, which was approximately 6 and a half hours a night. I’m now getting 5 to 6. I’m not as tired however and have more energy, so altogether a better quality of sleep. I read extensively that it would take up to 4 weeks for my sleep to improve so I am a little disappointed that I’m not sleeping like a baby.

Despite that, I think I am doing very well. It doesn’t seem to be having much of an affect on my partner though. There remains to be no intamacy between us. It frustrates me because I find her very attractive and want to be close to her again. I have to respect her position though and accept that she may never love me again. Too much history, to much pain. Broken trust.

I then made a huge mistake. I let my primal self, ego, fear, abandoned child take over. I lost my temper at her for not showing me love. It pushed her away further and we had a huge fight. The kids awoke and witnessed her screaming at me that she did not love me anymore. Something she had been saying for the past year, maybe longer. Only with me for the kids. It cut me to the bone. I was in pieces. Again. She said it was over, she couldn’t be with me anymore. I had grown so much, but I guess shown the opposite. Who was I doing this for? Myself? My family? For her? I knew it was for me, but craved her approval, reward, just in the same way addicts claim their prize. I was rock bottom. I had to face the reality, it was over.

I begged her not to leave me, in a desperate childlike attempt, positioning myself as a child yet again. She hates that, yet it was impulsive from me. I felt abandoned and deserved more, however this was same issue she had been detailing to me for the past year. That I seek her reassurance, I want her to love me, react to her when I don’t get it and make her feel emotionally abused and unsafe. And so the cycle continues.. I have to let go of her. Find self love, real self love, not the kind you hide behind, developing alter egos and alike. I had been doing this since I was 8. I had to be really brave now and truly discover who I am, Alone.

This was exactly the moment where I could have relapsed. In essence I did. Emotionally. Why am I so fragile? Why do I revert to victim when faced with loss? Why am I so ashamed? Why can I not get past this? I am finally waking up to myself and am done with martyrdom. I am strong enough to face my demons and finally own them.

I awoke the next morning and had another step forwards. So much to learn about myself, regardless of my family situation. I have to understand this fear of loss, being alone, loved, not loved, resented or feared. I am beginning to realise that it must all stem from my childhood and particularly how my relationship with my father developed following the divorce. Growing up he was my number 1, we were inseparable; so much so I used to call him Mummy. But once he began an affair with my best friend’s mum all that unravelled, with him finally telling me at 12 years old that if I made him choose between his new family or me, it would be them.  I believe this is what turned me from a happy, loved son to a rebel, drug chasing alpha male. All ego and no weaknesses. One huge façade. Burnt inside, a victim that deserved more. I remember saying to myself that nothing will ever hurt me as much as this, and from now on I will be invincible. I am now understanding that all I did was lock it deep in my soul.

I am more than lucky, and in all honesty I am so thankful to my partner for helping me to finally wake up and discover my true self and unearth the best version of myself.

I guess the good thing is I did not want to drink throughout the crisis of this week and that gives me further strength, belief in myself and purpose. The awareness and change that I am going through are genuine, I am slightly in disbelief, but my arms are open and ready to receive what life presents. I will survive and be able to be happy, thankful, grateful and share it with the world.