I am becoming more aware of myself and my emotional state. In the past when I would get upset, angry or confrontational, I would entirely see it as injustice happening to me. I can now see how the cumulation of events in sequence evolve to destabilize me, and am able to let them pass me by each time. Accept them. Each moment is its own.  I am more conscious and less bitter towards the world as a result. My default position before was martyr, always envious at those with more, taking my fortune for granted, not valuing what I had. I now understand how extraordinarily lucky I am. I value life in a way I haven’t since I was a small child. I feel young again. The shame of the past however still lingers. I cry often, several times a day. It’s exhausting, but necessary and cathartic.

I am continuing on my mission to build strong foundations for myself so that I can discover who I can be. I have started playing tennis at the gym and it is fun to meet new people and simply enjoy physical activity with them. Over the last couple of weeks I have also begun sound meditation, I have found it incredibly enriching, calming and unlike anything I have ever experienced. The teacher explained that the crystal bowls that she uses replicate the vibration of the universe at 432 HZ. She explains the effects of the sounds would penetrate chakra points in our body and heal various aspects of us. I cleared my mind, relaxed my body and tried to be open as possible. It was an incredible experience. Not only with the sound itself, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, but also I could feel the healing inside me on many levels. It was beautiful. As the session came to a close I felt more connected to myself and others around me as well as the air,  sensations, sounds, particles and atoms. I know this sounds cheesy but that’s how I truly felt.

When I got home I immediately began to research about 432 Hertz. It was fascinating, apparently this was nothing new, the famous composer Verdi knew this in 1884 and campaigned for the tuning of A4 for all orchestras to be set at this pitch. He noticed that when orchestras were tuned to this frequency, the effects on the audience would be more enlightening, positive, calming, spiritually connected and uplifting. To the contrary if tuned to 440Hz or 445Hz which was the case in the rest of Europe it would induce a nervous and anxious sub conscious affect on the audience. Despite this, by 1920 Europe had standardized to 440 Hz and that is how it has remained. There are  however a handful of artists who know this and deliberately tune all of their instruments to a starting point of 432Hz. They have included Bob Marley, Prince, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Ed Sheeran plus many more. Being a musician myself, this has hugely impacted me in my recovery this week. I have been investigating this exhaustively, as I listen to so much music, could it be that this could be another element to support my healing? I felt the impact that the sound meditation induced and the lasting effects it had on me, I have booked in to future sessions and am looking forward to them already.

Altogether I feel no desire for alcohol for a while now, the shame and the guilt continues and I’m working to reduce that and accept the past for what it is. All I can influence is my present and perhaps future. The feelings of loneliness continue, by fear for my relationships with my friends as so many of them are daily drinkers. I have barely seen any of them in the last 7 weeks, however I have no desire to go back to drinking so that I can see them. It will have to be on new terms, new locations that do not involve alcohol.