I think about drinking now and how it made me feel, from the first sip of an evening to the last.  It makes me feel sick. It’s difficult to explain, but that feeling of anticipating a drink at the end of a hard days work, to taking that first taste, experiencing the happiness pouring through my veins, the excitement and then the glutony, stooper, excess and slumber repulses me. I don’t want to ever drink again. I’m surprised at what a grip alcohol had on me, yet I couldn’t see it. Denial. I craved everything about it, yet now I’m almost the complete opposite. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t be preachy, if people ask, I will share, but I don’t want to offer up all the cons of addiction in my daily conversation. I of course discuss with my loved ones, about the changes I am going through, but I don’t want it to be centre stage with me. I used to be a heavy drinker, now I’m not. Period. Alcohol dependency is a disease and I need to respect that when I see others, particularly my drinking friends who I miss. They all know I have quit, I haven’t heard from any of them apart from my closest best friends (daily drinkers) who have been very supportive, stay in touch and are impressed by my force of will.

I continue to practice what I have learnt and work on myself, going through the past and trying to unlock the experiences that got me here. One issue I am addressing is my attachment to people and things. Am I so in need of love in all my relationships because of what happened between me and my father? I tend to throw myself into relationships with both lovers and friends and expect deep loyalty and commitment in return. I’ve never liked that about myself and want that to change within.

I’ve been reading about attachment theory and the characteristics of it, fear of loss, lack of self love, insecurity etc. Buddhism encourages the release of material ownership and also in relationships, not becoming too attached to anyone or anything. Rastafarianism encourages I and I, one love, all as one, no ownership. I am trying to understand this, as the society I have been brought up in is the polar opposite. Material wealth, owning things, showing it off, who’s got the biggest house, car, most beautiful partner, the list goes on. That competitive ownership of things and people has plagued me for years, held me back. I’ve always feared not having a job, money, wealth and subsequently nice clothes, car, things that show I am of value. It saddens me that so many if us in the world are brought up this way.

The escapism of drugs steered me away from this competitive landscape, I can now see why I felt solace in its arms, cradled by the feeling of belonging. It’s strange how all drugs do that to you, whether alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, MDMA etc. they all have that in common. You indulge together in rebellion and feel warmth, protected and safe, until it wears off. Then the addiction monster kicks in and reminds you to take more or face the fear.

That fear of loss has dominated me my whole life, sometimes silently, other times more overtly. I am scared of myself, my triggers and losing my temper again. I know it’s there and am learning why. Hopefully that will enable me to keep it at bay. I am more in tune with its presence now and can feel its early signs, which I could not before and subsequently quash it before it takes over. I now understand its primal desire and so can eliminate its early manifestations.

We are going to Reunion Island at the end of the week for a family holiday, I am very much looking forward to it and can’t wait to spend some quality time with my family.