We have arrived at the top of Reunion Island to a volcanic settlement called Cilaos. It is a picture-esque village situated in the center of collapsed volcanic crater. It’s breathtaking here. Lush green leaves and the sounds of birds inhabit the area. The soliloquy is divine.

On our first day we have decided to go for a small hike up to a picnic spot on the side of the volcano. There are beautiful rock pools to access from the natural springs, where we can swim and bathe. Upon embarking, it’s proving to be quite a difficult hike, with big drops on either side to certain death, with graves and crucifix along the way, where people have fallen in the past.

We’ve now got a little lost on the mountain going in the wrong direction. This is exactly the kind of moment that would have really vexed me in the past, thinking about the future and how the rest of the day has been ruined. I used to eternally prepare for what was next, whether it be a drink, reward or material gain. Now I just look around and enjoy the ride, it’s beautiful here. Tall pine trees reaching for the sun. The clouds seeping down to meet them, beautiful yellow flowers adorning the wilderness around. Before, I would have worried about the time running out, not having enough time at the rock pools, the injustice of others holding me back from my enjoyment. Selfish. Now it doesn’t bother me, I just enjoy the moment, so be it if there’s less time at the pools. Stop and look around. The clouds are just flirting with the top of the mountain, caressing its peak it’s absolutely stunning. Life lives in front of me.

I used to spend so much time worrying about saving money, watching money, preparing for later, worrying about bills. I would analyse all of the possibilities that could affect my plans and decipher the best route for the best outcome. I would do this constantly, minute to minute. Now I try and live in the present, enjoy life, the rest will take care of itself. I think this existence was compounded not only by my childhood trauma and never wanting to go through it again, but also my line of work where being a leader of an organisation I was constantly strategizing, looking ahead five years, identifying what we could do now, next week, next month in order to achieve our goals. Constantly horizon scanning. This leached into my way of life, my mindset and I was unable to appreciate the present.

I am so glad that I left my job. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life; losing my work status, walking away from my team, having no money, not knowing what the future might hold, the truth is, this has been the most liberating time I have ever experienced. Sometimes I worry about the future, what might happen to my family. However I have the tools now to bring myself back to the present and look no further. Follow my heart. Have a clear mind. All I can do, is share love, enjoy life with open arms and allow the universe to present itself with good faith.

It may take years to rewire the chemical damage done in my brain. They say that taking drugs in teenage years is extremely detrimental to its  future growth. Again I try not to worry about this as it’s something I cannot influence. I am conscious though, that much change is happening inside my neural pathways and it is allowing me to feel my body, my true identity and ignore the anxieties and insecurities that have embedded themselves within for so many years.

This gives me encouragement to keep moving forward on this path, grow, learn, change and allow my true self to emerge.

It is interesting to draw parallels with alcohol use disorder, I would spend time fantasizing about the future, anticipating what it was going to be like drinking later on in the evening. This would make me impatient in the present, vacant.  Activities such as enjoying a meal with my family, walking through the park or spending quality time with them were tarnished with my desire to get it over and done with so I could drink. My mind would constantly be dreaming about getting home, opening that bottle of wine, making the meal and getting drunk. I now feel so ashamed of my behaviour. I couldn’t see it at the time but over these past 8 weeks it has become clear. I really urge anyone with AUD to at least take some time off drinking to experience this if they possibly can. I was fortunate enough not to be too far gone at 80 units per week (40 drinks per week) daily drinking.

Towards the end of the week I had a small set back. We decided to go to the seafront for a final meal. I was looking forward to it and decided to have a double zero beer. I hadn’t had one since our last night out the previous weekend, it was a hot day and I thought it would be a perfect moment to reflect, eat and share the moment with my family. What happened next took me by surprise and I realised the dangers of double zero towards my recovery.

At the restaurant, my partner didn’t enjoy the view and moved to the end of the table away from me, I took this personally, insecurities rose inside. Over the past weeks she has remained distant and cold towards me. She generally is smiley and tactile with everyone else except me and I normally accept this and own it. After all, I know she can’t trust my sudden change, it’s only been 2 months since accepting my reality. However this time I couldn’t control myself, it upset me and I let her know. We had a small argument which resulted in me going for a walk. I was disappointed in myself, as I knew how my actions would affect her, yet I exteriorised it. Martyr again, victim, needy. She hates that. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy. I keep asking for equality of affection, to be treated just like others she loves and when I do this, she pushes me away further. I understand this, yet the primal, insecure, alone sense I have can dominate me on occasion. Especially when tired or under the influence of alcohol.

I later realised that the desire for a non alcoholic beer had dominated me. The desire, anticipation, expectation of a perfect moment, that taste had become the priority. It became clear what I had been researching about, this trap associated with non alcoholic drinks. I won’t be drinking double zero for a while, until at least my confidence and self esteem return. Interestingly, this was not the case when I had mocktails, perhaps because my alcohol of choice was beer and wine. I continue to have mocktails which work fine for me, a tonic water with mint and lime is go to and has no association with drinking for me.

Next week we return to Blighty. Altogether we’ve had an amazing holiday that has done me much good. I’m looking forward to going back to the gym, but quite possibly not the weather..