We have arrived at Reunion Island. It is absolutely stunning here, 30 degree heat, beautiful sunshine, incredible scenery all around. The streets are adorned with beautiful artwork, hand painted by locals. Music and the smell of barbecues seep from alternate houses. People are friendly and welcoming. I’m enjoying going for a morning run by the seafront and then meditating in the morning at an idyllic spot by the sea, listening to the waves crashing onto the rocks below.

Happiness is returning with greater frequency. I feel alive and can sense the beauty all around me with more detailed vibrance. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as free as this, certainly not in adulthood.

This week is my Daughter’s 5th birthday and we are looking forward to celebrating the day with her. I am still emotional however, and cry daily for all the regret, damage and pain I have placed upon my family and am working to accept and own it. It is difficult. I have moments I cannot control, but understand that I must accept and notice them. They are part of my recovery and could last months, years or perhaps forever. I also experience tearful moments that are relieving and full of hope and excitement; I can’t quite identify or express this feeling, but it is spiritual and connected. It makes me feel alive.

The beginning of the week went by settling in to our beautiful new environment. Towards the end of the week we decided to hit the town for a Friday night out with my partner and her friends. I expected there would be elevated levels of drinking around me, but I feel strong and ready to be immersed amongst a party night culture. The night kicked off really well, having some beers on the local beach at a couple of seafront bars, drawing in the hot tropical air to a backdrop of lapping waves and salty sea air. Magical. I of course abstained from drinking, but as the cocktails came in for the others, I felt ready to have my first double zero beer. I had seen many accounts that advise against this with some alcoholic dependents describing this as a relapse. I was curious to see how it would effect me. I had already indulged in tonic water with lime and mint, which by many is also considered a relapse, however I decided to push ahead with this next step. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life not exploring this route. I love flavour, gastronomy and enjoying food and as much as I love water, I was not going to resign myself to this being my only form of liquid for eternity. So ahead I went..

In the past, when reducing intake, I would alternate drinks with non-alcoholic beers, which I found less than desirable. This time around they tasted great. Much better than having a coke or fanta or something similar. I was worried that it might snowball back into drinking, or I might get into them too much but to be honest, two was enough over a four hour period. I ended up having three, but the last was probably unnecessary.

During the evening, we joined a crowd of people who were drinking quite heavily. I began to get quite bored of their company, as the conversation was trivial, self-absorbed and a little ego driven. It gave me a glimpse from the outside looking in, how I could have perhaps appeared to others in past experiences, half cut. I didn’t like what I saw, but with impulse I recognised this as an opportunity to learn and accept it as part of my journey. A second chance.

There was one person in particular who was drinking various wines in copious amounts. I thought, could that have been me in the past? Probably. Following this and banter with another drinker, I realised that they were quite self-absorbed, shallow with no really interesting conversation. I tried not to be judgmental, but I have to notice my thoughts. At that moment, I wanted to go home to bed. I had been out for 5 hours at this point and it was probably an hour too long.

Then there was an interesting moment that presented itself, the people I was with realized I was drinking 00 beer. They kind of mocked me a little bit and called me Sam, which is a French label for somebody who is the designated driver on a night out. The man who was drinking copious amounts of wine, was surprised that I was not drinking. I said to him that I’m trying to learn how to be happy without the aid of drugs and chemicals. I think he was quite taken back by this, he showed me some respect and perhaps a tinge of envy. I think so many social drinkers, heavy drinkers, whatever they want to call themselves are in denial, I’ve read so many reports, interviews or articles about people who drink 80 to 100 units a week and consider themselves functioning, or social drinkers who believe they are not alcohol dependent. For me, that’s the alcohol monster inside your brain taking control, the drink taking the man.

They all talk about looking forward to coming home in the evening and planning what they’re doing that revolves around drink. Two bottles of wine, followed by gin and tonics, TV, PlayStation 4 other things they are consuming at the same time. All self-indulgence, and selfishness now looking back. A dopamine hit. Unable to achieve it without the drink. I didnt want to acknowledge these thoughts, but I have to notice these thoughts. How can one really have time for others, give love, listen, understand and respond; to share a conversation, if all your thinking about is yourself, capturing self-gratification and how much you love what you’re doing, with everything else being peripheral. It’s an illusion and something I never want to return to. I remember that many of my conversations with other alcohol dependent people were rooted in self-affirmation. We would kind of congratulate each other and endorse our thought processes while drinking. I think this served as a veil to protect, or hide our own insecurities and allow us to build confidence, self-esteem and feel better about ourselves, all the while knowing deep down, that the alcohol has a grip on us and is the real reason for our liaison. To have someone to drink with and not be alone.

I have noticed that I might be a little aggressive now about this subject and in time, I may mellow, but it is week 9 and I have to be honest and describe how I’m feeling on this journey, this is my truth.

Perhaps in the weeks to come, I may mellow and not judge alcohol dependent people so harshly, I hope that this is the case.