The roller coaster has ceased to roll. Ups and downs are no more. The thrill of dopamine pumping through my veins followed by depression and negativity have dissipated. The highs may not be as high, but overall there is so much more sustained happiness and no more episodes of misery or despair. It’s a huge relief to finally be free. For so long I had kidded myself into staying on drinking, thinking that I was part of a gang that knew how to have fun. I understood how to use alcohol but not abuse it, all along falling into it’s vice and possession. A charade that veiled the truth. I am regularly having fun now without its presence, have found my personality again and regularly laugh and smile. I hope it is the new me and not just some kind of bounce back, however my teachings remind me to live in the present, be attentive to it and allow nature to take its course. No judgement.

My partner seems happier with the new version of myself, although trust is hard to rebuild, I understand that she is still nervous around me and it will take time for her to fully trust me at all again.

Looking back, I wish I could have commenced my journey earlier, without destruction to prompt me. I remind myself not to have regrets, but it would have been better if I would have begun my journey in a planned way, rather than as a response to losing everything. I guess I can’t have everything, the important matter is that I’m here, healthy and happy. I hope that my family can be too, my son, daughter and partner. I’m finally fully committed to helping us all heal and find happy lives, hopefully together. Equally I must except that there are no guarantees in life. If I stay strong I can be everything else for myself, my future life and a support for my children and all those I love.

This week’s learning about myself has led me to discovering that the high expectations placed on me, created a mindset within, known as ‘hyper achievement’. I believe this high expectation, performance based ethos is the main contributing factor to men aged between 20 and 40 being the highest  group amongst suicide rates and why many turn to alcohol and drugs. I too grew up with this pressure, probably more than most, with the expectation that I would be a leader, a pillar to be looked up to, a top ranking person within the world of work. After all, my father was a professor of neuroscience and my mother a chief architect.  Prior to that my grandfathers had been a General and a Captain within their respective armies in Iran and England. All I ever heard about was my ancestors and all of the high achieving aspects of their lives and how I should carry the torch of their success and emulate their distinction. This pressure dominated my youth, and over this past year or so I have come to realise that this issue is at the heart of many of my fears and subsequent insecurities.

And so in the past week I have continued to reflect on this, what got me here, how I evolved and why, what have I learnt from my journey? What I have discovered revolves around the expectations that we all face in life, and in particular the perception that everyone has to ‘be something’ troubles me. In my case this was manifested in this pressure of who I was supposed to develop into. A strong, successful man who could provide for his family, who was reveered in society and respected by others. The code engrained into my mindset. Any deviation was failure. It wasn’t just my parents saying this to me, every advert, TV program, magazine article had this rhetoric and theme. This is what an attractive man looks like to society in 1984. The image was drilled into me from as early as I can remember and dominated my fears growing up as a teenager and young man. I had to be ‘someone.’

This way of viewing life was spoonfed to me throughout my schooling and eventually I began to exhibit high abilities in the classroom. Ultimately I am now discovering that had I been given some greater freedom and lower expectations, or no expectation, I think I would have fared better in the long run. My anxieties and fears about not being hugely successful have plagued my life, holding me back from truly being able to freely explore my abilities, and despite “achieving” in my work life, I was never truly happy. Just highly pressured, stressed and overworked.

So looking back, I now understand the reasons why I began to slack off at school at 13, and why I fell into the warmth of addiction. This was to some degree accelerated by the high expectations placed upon me and not just the broken environment at home. I wanted to escape that feeling and I could with the aid of drugs. I think so many of us fall into this trap, both men and women, for me, I was brought up in a world that suggested men had to be rich, tall, handsome and have assets and a good job to be desirable. As archaic as this sounds today, it still lingers as a backdrop to our society. Perhaps not as transparently, but nonetheless present. As I see young people grow up around me I have noticed they don’t have this same pressure, after all they grew up in different time, a more balanced and knowledgeable world. This is not to say that they don’t have a plethora of new problems to navigate. A diminishing equality divide is hopefully where we are heading towards, yet we are still moulded by our past experiences and the imbalance of the era in which we grew up. The ripples of the past continue to reverberate in all of us.

I am blessed that my partner does not expect that of me, I think she’s proud of what I’m going through and what I have done, albeit that I have far less financial security in my rediscovery journey. I must say I have missed the paycheck but I do not miss the environment of being in a cold lonely office expecting miracles from me, forever stretching targets, nothing ever good enough. The same experience I had growing up, whether it was my coach in football and athletics, expectations from parents, it was all pressure and restrictive to personal exploration and growth.

I am now trying to catch up with missed learning from the past, exploring my new self and unearthing parts of me I did not know existed. I’m losing the fear and subsequent walls of defense that I used to rely on to protect my delicate ego. I no longer have heart palpitations, driven by the feeling of impending fear by way of failure and loss. I’m trying to be a better person amongst people, humble in the presence of others, learn from every experience, share that knowledge and share life together. I have greater awareness when episodes manifest and frustrate me. I can sense their early beginnings coming to be, but now I have the skills and tools to note their early beginnings, the irrational embers from where they muster and quell them into a newer more positive reincarnation.

It’s only been 3 months and I’ve learnt much in this short time. I’m looking forward to what’s ahead, the summer, the new experiences, personal growth and what next steps lie in wait for me. I have open arms, feel happy, energised and alive. I’m looking forward to sharing my life with others and being a positive influence (hopefully) for myself and those around me.