I am gaining trust in myself. I am developing a calm resilience within. My only expectation is that there are none. That gives me comfort, I am open. I trust whatever presents itself, my intuition that follows, accompanied by a mellow self assurance. There have been some challenging moments at home this week and I noticed that my character has changed in these scenarios. I can still get triggered, but my reaction is different. Markedly calmer and composed. I am able to slow down in these moments, or this is how I perceived it. I sense my heart rate slowing, diminished tension, breathing more calmly and adjusting to the clamour around me. It comes naturally, as if reprogrammed. I used to rise to it, arguments in the house, tantrums, pointing blame. I now see things differently altogether. I visualise these moments as someone calling out for help, listen to me, I’m in pain, I can’t solve this feeling by myself. I don’t offer solutions anymore, I just listen, be attentive, be emotionally available if needed.

Following these moments I reflect on what happened, where I try to unpick what transpired and why and perhaps how I felt from moment to moment. This is not to say that I don’t feel the devil within, rising when surrounded by chaos, however I am  more aware and possess the tools to simmer down. I hope I can continue to grow in this direction. Sustain this control. My temper is the worst of me and I know it.

When I used to lose my temper I would feel so bad afterwards, it would affect me just as badly as others, if not moreso. You would have thought that all of that exteriorising and emotional dumping would be relieving, yet it’s the very opposite. I would feel bad for hours or perhaps days, embarrassed by my behaviour, eating me up inside. Can’t swallow, can’t eat, a terrible feeling. Induced by my actions.

So now when I feel attacked or in a tumultuous situation, not by way of my own doing, I notice my state too, absorbing the negative energy, but am able to move to observer, rather than retaliate, tell others how to behave or tell them off. Be available, can I help? Every moment is an opportunity to learn about myself, I am aware, open and ready. I am slowly forgiving myself for my past behaviours, although they will never be truly forgotten. Which is needed, I will always value my mistakes from the past. They are not for erasure.

And so logically, with regard to practical steps towards addiction recovery, this week I’ve began to investigate anticipation. This is mainly because I’ve noticed that we all look forward to things, we all have things in the future that we plan and look forward to, whether it’s being with friends, family, the dog or doing things for ourselves, our hobbies. I feel I need to find a better medium between the two. I understand why I was so harsh on myself in the first instance, not to look forward to things and quit anything that was of excitement, but now I have found my balance I can accept it is okay to occasionally have a treat. I have allowed myself to have something more than a glass of water for example. When going out with friends, going to a gig or a restaurant. However this must not fall into the habit of having alcohol. Period. For example, there have been occasions where I’ve wanted a double zero beer. I know in the past that I’ve had a bad experience with this, I need to be careful. I don’t want to idealise situations and demand thrill and entitled excitement. But equally I must find a balance.

This week I tried having a double zero gin and tonic. I bought the gin and the usual ingredients to accompany, lime, mint, tonic, it was delicious, but I was happy to say I was done at 2 glasses during the evening with friends. Beforehand, I had toyed with the idea of selecting some double zero IPA, however my partner rightly reminded me that perhaps that wasn’t a good idea. I got a little defensive but overall that was probably the right call. I love an IPA and think I probably need more time, before I can experiment with my feelings about that. The main temptation being that I could possibly fall back into having alcoholic ones. Everything in moderation and in the moment.

I have also noticed a consistency in my mood. I’m no longer crying on a daily basis. I perhaps have not cried at all for two weeks now. I feel stable. It’s a relief to be free of the ups and downs. I immensely value my balance right now and want to build on it. A friend of mine sent me a lovely message this week saying, ‘ your past may be behind you, but it’s also beneath you. So use it as a foundation to build a stronger future.’

We’ve also been preparing for the May half term, a trip to Bude to stay with one of my oldest friends, not that she’s old! Just the longest in terms of years. We’ve been friends since I was 13 and I’m looking forward to seeing her since self actualisation. I love going to stay with her, she has a lovely family, a beautiful and spiritually uplifting house in a beautiful part of Cornwall, she is also attuned to self healing. I’m a little shy to see her as the new me, I’ve always been her loud, abrasive, party  friend, so my transformation could be a shock to her. Still she knows me inside out and I am still me. Just without the idiocy.