This week I’ve been trying to familiarise situations that trigger me and how I respond. A couple of weeks back, I had a car crash, not so much a crash as I was stationary at the time, but an incident that deemed my car a write off. Quite frankly a ridiculous situation that involved the insurance company vastly undervaluing my car and over estimating the repair, so as to deem it for scrapping, or basically becoming theirs with no payout to me, the non fault driver.

To add insult to injury, I would subsequently not be able to sell the car, as it would be categorised as an economic right off, thus losing half its value. Eventually, I decided not to claim despite confirmation that the crash was not my fault. So why am I talking about this? Because these are the types of scenarios that would normally trigger me and send me spiralling into a well of angst, firmly in fight mode. And from here support from my favourite friend. Monsieur Al Cohol.

I’m glad to say that this time around, I was not wildly upset or climbing to the top shelf for a bottle of wine, just a little nervous that I was now having to drive a hire car and look after that too. I discovered that the insurance company wanted me to have the hire car so that they could invoice the third part for the fees. It intrigues me how human nature is so fragile, that most of us are trapped into this quest for money, to secure our futures through fear of being abandoned. We  work for companies owned by companies, whose soul purpose is to amass as much cash from whoever, regardless of the consequences to humanity and so knowing this, along with the Insurance company only benefitting if I claimed, I decided to cancel, despite being the non fault driver.

In the past I would have pushed the claim all the way, tried to get as much done on my side as possible, squeezed the insurance for as much compensation as possible, but through my new found perspective, I discovered that to cut my losses would benefit me in the long run, mentally and financially. I’m happy with my decision, despite having a damaged car, that will not get repaired. It’s a reminder to me of the great work I am doing within myself and how far I’ve come! I’ve learnt how to control my emotions, or at least tame them while I work out what really is going on.

I remember previously having blazing rows with insurance companies and alike. I remember one time, having huge argument with scotch and soda about a pair of jeans. The call must have gone on for an hour, I distinctly remember that I was very upset at work, about another issue, and I unloaded on the poor chap at the end of the phone, dumping my waste baggage upon his shoulders.  I look back and think of all the times I did that to others too, colleagues, friends, family and loved ones. Using scenarios that upset me to unload ALL of my emotional stress. A kind of displaced emotion that one projects on others; if you’re in the firing line, watch out!

I am now familiar with those sparks within myself. I also notice them in others. The steps that build towards being triggered, and then how that is released, often followed by guilt and shame to the individual releasing their tension. Interestingly, the perpetrator often suffers more than the victim.

When I was previously verbally attacked, I would instantly get defensive, then enter into an endless power struggle, where neither parties would back down. I now open my senses, gather and reflect to see if I can help in any way. I notice this stirring now more blatantly in others, such is my growth in emotional awareness, but am still learning how to not rise to it, it’s someone else who is in pain, unable to regulate and is suffering. I am trying to use these moments to empathise, listen and understand. These incidents vary in level, but occur almost every day through all kinds of actions, motions or words, by all sorts of people, family, friends, colleagues, albeit subtle or occasionally more blatantly so.

So how can we all handle this? What can we do? Communicate better? Develop our self awareness? All of the above, but also veer away from combative language in the first place. Using others as our vessel for expulsion. I’m trying to only offer positive starts to conversations, but also to not respond negatively when I’m slightly triggered.

I’ve noticed I’m more attuned to when I’m stressed or anxious and these are moments when previously I would emotionally dump on the nearest victim. In essence deflecting the real issue and releasing it through an entirely different vessel. The car accident and subsequent hours on the phone and being pushed from department to department was a real test, however I’m happy for the lesson and accepting of the outcome.

I occasionally still worry that I won’t be able to fully shake all of my anxieties but I’m determined to continue my exploration of self, and keep being who I want to be. These difficult moments are opportunities for growth and I welcome them.

Next week I’m looking forward to cleaning my car and making it the best version of itself. I hope that it feels the love..