My learning and growth continue to embed themselves into my character. This week my partner told me about a conversation she had with another parent at the school who said to her that they noticed a real softness with me. If you know me, softness was never a go-to word, so something is definitely a wry! It did though give me comfort and confirmation that I have been heading in the right direction. I felt lighter, I began to think about whether my personality had actually changed over this time, could I be morphing into someone else? Or was it already always there, hiding. Possibly. I could also be just evolving, Cee 2.0  I have noticed that I am softer, less hyped, calmer, open and patient. I’m still not a saint, and got much work to do on myself, but as my friend said, it’s a lifelong journey that one.

I have been reading about epigenetics and the traumas passed on through DNA. I was sceptical at first but as I cross referenced different articles it became clear that it has been proven scientifically, and adapted into general medicine approaches, thus leading me to ponder, perhaps your DNA can be transformed as you live?

There are certain theorists who believe this is true and it’s intriguing to read about experiments conducted confirming this, where people have mysteriously recovered from terminal illnesses, but also discovering where placebos have miraculously had the same effect. So it seems the mind really can control the body and change its destination, both mentally and physically.

I believe this has happened with me since I gave up alcohol. I have gained new knowledge and abilities about myself and am alive to growth. Is it all placebo? Have I conned myself into healing? Does it even matter? I feel like I’m a different person, and in some way a little sad to say goodbye to the previous me, because I still like him. But, if I can take the best parts of myself and lose the resentful, negative parts to the ash heep, then I’ll be happy. Regardless of how I got there, I am here and feel entirely genuine, authentically me.

I’m also gaining better focus when meditating, I have noticed that I am able to sit still with greater ease, for longer periods of time and subsequently enter a deeper state of tranquility. I’m trying to meditate every day, but I must admit that there is the occasional day where I slip. I’m ok with this, because the overall impact on me has been vast. I’m moving. I’m hoping that all of this together can elevate my soul and sustain it at this plateau, if not further. I do however have the occasional setback, but they are opportunities to learn and I embrace them fully. There are moments that I notice my old self revealing it’s ugly sides, particularly when I’m tired. I had a moment this week where I snapped at my partner as she was annoying me, this didn’t go down well and quite rightly, she told me so. I apologised the following morning and hope that it hasn’t derailed the progress that we have been making of late. I am immensly happier as part of this family, I feel more involved and connected and look forward to all occasions with them, as I should. From going out for meals, cooking together, going to the cinema. I’m not as stressed and consequently able to really value the present with greater clarity. I’m gutted for the past haze in which I lay, missed golden times with my children in their early years, but I must not dwell in regret, it’s the past, it cannot be changed, I know this. The present is where I must focus my energy, value every second and not speculate on the future, after all it will present itself. With good daily intentions, pursuing my hobbies crafts and passions, living life to the full with my family. That is my present and my future, this idea gives me the bedrock and knowing that I have been missing.

We are off to Bude in Cornwall this week, I’m very much looking forward to the fantastic environment, with friends and family, it’s always spiritually awake there. The nature is dramatic and your insignificance in comparison is humbling.

I was reading about this part of the country and discovered that it is where Joseph of Aramithea, the man that buried Jesus, allegedly took the holy grail to start the New Jerusalem, in ‘England’s green and pleasant land’ or so the hymn goes. I’ve also read about the ancient journeys taken of exiled royalty from Troy first to Galicia, and then to Cornwall to colonise, which they naturally did through invasion and pillage. These people are also connected to those found in Brittany, France. It’s believed that paganism and early Christianity have its roots in this part of England, so I’m hoping to visit a few places that are known for this. I’m also looking forward to trying to connect with these healing spots and discover if there is any effect, even if it is just placebo.

These newly acquired thoughts have began to affect my viewpoint on faith and religion. I used to just think they were just an ancient form of law and order. A way to control the masses, behave, and live in a civilized society, and in some way they were and still are; a way to live harmoniously with one another, but are they also placebo? If you believe that christ will save you, could this possibly affect your health too, positively, in all of your being? Mental, emotional, physical? It has come to persuade me that positive thinking is not just good for your mind, it is also for your body and of course, all those surrounding your sphere of influence. Does it matter how you arrive? just that you have and are invigorated to share your life with positivity, endeavor and joy.