We had a lovely holiday this week in Bude with friends. The weather was a wee bit drab, but nonetheless quintessentially British. We filled our days with walks on the beach, on and off sunbathing, board games and daily feasts, either at home or local restaurants. I didn’t manage to get to a stone circle, but hey, one can’t have everything.

It reminded me of each of our quests for happiness. The goals that we set for ourselves. We often hang our expectations upon happiness and anticipate outcomes that dictate whether we will be fulfilled once they are achieved. I’m trying to steer away from that as much as possible. I’m trying to focus on enjoying whatever it is that I am doing from moment to moment, immersing myself in the now. I must say, it’s working well, I feel happier, lighter and less stressed.

Since I am feeling stable and less drawn to alcohol, if at all, I have began to dabble with the dangerous 0.5% versions of IPA. Since my last excursion, I felt more confident and more in control of the anticipation factor. I must say, its been fine. Similar to drinking the mocktails. I don’t have the feeling of strong desire, but enjoy having 1 or 2 on a night out, or evening in with friends. While in Cornwall, I tried a 0.0 rum, coupled with the obligatory ginger beer and slice of lime, Dark & Stormy, it wasn’t great, but I did find a nice white beer at 0.5% and am glad to say there were no feelings of desire or focus. That dominating feeling where without it, you’re lost.

I am happy with this balance and am looking forward to summer holidays, BBQs, lazy days on the beach or by the pool. We’ve got a big road trip planned around France and Spain, I’m the only driver, so it will be good not to be drinking! I guess that’s a great advantage to being off the alcohol.

I’m meditating daily and still working on myself, reading books, researching self help and healing, eating better and regularly hitting the gym, playing tennis etc, but there is still something that is not quite right. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it lingers. I’ve decided that it is somewhere between expectation and being content. A perfectly imperfect balance. Perhaps we all have this. A completely natural feeling of what can I do next with my life? Is there a gap that I’m missing?

I feel that I have so many hobbies that it’s not about adding another one, or even trying to get better at the ones I already do, but fully valuing what I have and immersing myself in each moment. In the most part, I feel content and know how lucky I am. In speaking with my drug and alcohol counselor she has expressed how proud of me she is and even how much she envies my life when I describe it to her. I’ve been guilty in the past of not patting myself on the back, so I will from endeavour to do so from now to on.

I have noticed some aspects of myself in situations that I could improve with, in particular, handling others’ stresses. When loved ones around me get stressed, it heightens me. I care for them, so it hurts to see them hurt, however I don’t like the impact it has on me and my nervous system. I can feel the negative energy rising within, it consumes me too, this can lead to my mood changing for the worse. I have noticed that my recovery time is approximately 2 hours. As cold as it sounds, I want to use these moments to train myself to dissociate, it’s not my emotions, it’s someone else’s, sure I can help and be there, but perhaps I can’t. They are just venting or projecting. Meditation has partly helped me to be calm in these scenarios and listen, but the mood can remain and take out a morning that once looked promising.

None of us are perfect and it would be foolish to expect pure happiness and joy 100% of the time. Acceptance is the key. Whatever presents itself is life. Welcome every emotion. Perhaps I am over analyzing all of this, but it is helping me to understand myself and move forward with what truly makes me happy.

With that said I am going to enjoy some of my baba ganoush and hopefully gain some sun on what is turning out to be a lovely day. I am meeting with a friend next week that I haven’t seen in a while, it will be good to catch up with him as he too has his demons. I hope he is well and in good form.