Since a young age I exhibited academic aptitude in the classroom. I often got gold stars for my work through primary school and then upon gaining entrance to an elite private school, I there too excelled. That was until self capitulation became my home. The trust, belief, positivity and confidence in this world given to me in my first eight years was pulled from underneath. I had been conditioned to expect brilliance beyond others, yet the two prime examples in my life were at each other’s throats. This utterly confused me. If we’re so great, how can this be happening? I remember my brother taking me aside, he was 11 at the time, and saying don’t worry, I will look after you. It was as if I lost my childhood in that instance. It was the same day that a for-sale sign appeared outside my house. I asked my brother what was happening. He told me they were getting divorced and that mum and dad would sell the house and live in two different homes. In that moment I think my confidence and hope for my life ahead dramatically changed. I began to slack off in school, what’s the point? Doing all of this work, doing the right thing, only to possibly end up like my mother and father. All trust had gone. To make matters worse I discovered my father had been having an affair with, not only the au-pair, but also my best friend’s mum. So maybe all men are the same? I later found out that many people cheat, both men and women. This compounded how I felt about people at the time. Loyalty was gone. Most humans are ultimately selfish and seek short term pleasures for themselves. I guess I began to do the same, pursue things that I liked and found interest in, such as music, drugs, girls, clothes, being a DJ and aspirations to be a music producer, which is normal and fair enough, but the list was extensive. I guess I was trying to fill a gap, consume myself in distraction. My dad put it as, ‘self gratification’, I will come to that in a post in a few further weeks, but for now it was all about becoming an adult fast, perhaps too fast.

I knew I had a quick brain. I could out wit other students in the classroom and in sport also. I was naturally a good chess player, mathematics came easy to me, I could see numbers. I had many friends, often in the years above me at school, and preferred their company to those in my own year group. Eventually, my diverse abilities became the source of great happiness but also contributed to some of the biggest challenges in life, namely depression, anxiety, mental health issues and laterly,  suicidal thoughts.

What began with desire and assurance of an elite life, using my natural gifts to acquire status, wealth, be the envy of others, dwindled away. All I wanted was to be free of all the expectation that dominated my mind. The constant rumination of why I hadn’t achieved as much as promised from an early age. I have struggled with this for the past 30 years or more. Constantly self judging, not recognising my achievements. Not valuing myslef, not valuing others. I have finally let go, and realized true wealth comes from within. I am loved, and I do love myself, internally, not the reflection. There is no greater happiness than finding peace from within, finding calm and sharing love with others. It seems so simple, and perhaps cheesy, but my realisation has given me freedom, I know it’s right and it belongs in me also. Finally I am content with what I have and more importantly, what I am. A part of humanity, this world and my incredible family. What I always took for granted, is now so precious to me. I am supposed to be practicing detachment from material things, people, relationships but somehow the reverse has happened with my family. I guess I had let them go so far, that I needed to find a way of them being everything to me but also separate. I think I understand that now, but it will take me some time for it to fully bed in. This is the same as the notion that has stayed with me through my adulthood, who am I, who could I be, who might I have been? None of that matters. All that matters is who I am now. And I’m happy with that.

I’ve been afraid to live my life the way I want to, until now. A great burden has been lifted and I don’t need to prove myself to anyone, most all myself.

My work in education became like a slow death towards the end. I was clinging on for status and afraid to lose it. With hindsight I can see I did the right thing. The door is wide open and I’m imagining the paths I can take. I finally feel free to explore this world and myself. I am looking forward to seeing where I go and am quite possibly the happiest I have been since that small boy at the window, crying in his brother’s arms. I feel younger and energised to embrace the future and whatever it brings and have finally found balance and enjoy my work, play, spending time with my family, making music and even have recently started painting again. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, I’m so lucky to be alive, healthy and happy.

I’ve learnt how to better tackle not getting swept up in my thoughts and the subsequent distraction of missing the present. I want each moment to be fully acknowledged and hopefully with others, where we can all enhance each others’ lives for the better.

I’m looking forward to what next week brings, but of course, no expectations ..