Is wanting to have a variety of looks vain? Or is it just a way to express ourselves? Why do we need to express ourselves this way? Why is it important for us to see this in the mirror? Does the mirror even matter? If I was blind would I care what I would be wearing, I think I would…

This week while at my tennis lesson it came up amongst us, our job roles. The other players were really surprised to find out I had been a headteacher, I asked them why? What did they think I would be? They unanimously replied that judging by the way I dressed, an artist or somebody in creative studies. This gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, and in some way made me realize that our clothes are just a way to reflect our personality and perhaps values. They are sacred to us and to have a desire to be in a skin echoing these beliefs, shows our individuality and perhaps moral indication and comforts us. I often dress quite flamboyantly, I love colour and texture and playing with the different color combinations, warm, cold or camo, I’ve come to realise that this passion is firmly rooted within my character and exemplified through my variety of creative hobbies. It’s who I am. If anything, dressing in this way allows me to feel more free to be myself. My clothes have a psychological effect on my subconscious, that is positive. When I dress in the morning it amplifies my mood or intended mood for the day. I’ve noticed that when I wake up and I feel a little bit more serious, perhaps I’ll go for a monochrome look, like I mean business. If I’m feeling more adventurous and not really planning what is on that day, I’m more likely to go for a colorful and relaxed look. I guess this is the same for people who wear suits and go to the office. They generally wear their dark suits when they’re going to work, and then at the weekend perhaps a more casual colorful attire. Maybe we all do this subconsciously, or more deliberately like myself, however I am aware that most people look at me, and think what the hell does he look like! I’m ok with that though because as long as I feel real and true to myself, that’s all that matters.

Since my awakening from my alcoholic slumber, workaholic existence, I have realised that I was buying so many clothes and trainers that it was a means to treat myself, due to how miserable my life was. It was so tough being a leader in an organisation of continuous toxicity that I fell towards alcoholism and retail therapy for support. I knew it at the time, but just couldn’t picture another way. I had to work, I needed the money to buy a house for my family and this was the job I needed to do that. Well paid and able to access a large mortgage. A means to an end. I knew the only way I was going to get through it was with the aid of alcohol, new kicks and a sick maharishi jacket – monthly. I would not have been able to give up the juice, my retail addiction and work concurrently. It was just way too much to ask of myself.

Now I’m out of that cycle of materialism reward and distraction. I can focus on other things. Namely the things I already love and have. Of course my family, but also Ive realised I’ve got an extensive wardrobe and more than enough for a lifetime. It sounds vain, I know, but nonetheless, true. Cherish what you’ve got and use them. It’s ok to be flamboyant, bold and daring. It’s not arrogance, it’s personality and I’m not ashamed of it. In recent months I began to think it was, and that my constant desire to buy new clothes was a weakness, but I have come to accept that a love of clothes and they way you look, is not necessarily rooted in insecurity. Just buy in moderation and not to soothe a bad day at work.

This week the sun has come out and I’ve spent a lot of time in the garden, taking the slow lane but also getting things done. It’s good to have goals and sign them off at a steady pace. I’m going to the gym later to ‘reward’ myself with some sound meditation, a match of tennis and a hydro bath. No new trainers this time. I must be morphing into a new age Aquarian! Whatever it is makes me feel happy,  authentic and worth writing in this blog. I hope that any recovering alcoholics reading this account, connect with it and slowly take those first steps. It’s not as hard as you think, that first week is the toughest and it gets easier after that. Your motivation can be infectious and snowball, once you are on your way.

Looking forward to what tomorrow brings. But not before I immerse myself in today’s offerings.