I feel the walls breaking down around me, much like old layers of skin, peeling away one by one. My freedom from my once troubled soul is underway, and slowly I recognise a new confidence and strength growing from within. This time it is calm and peaceful, rather than competitive and fuel driven. Something new to me. It’s humbling and I appreciate it like never before; the value of all life, my confidence in people and sharing life. My partner can’t quite believe the new me, so much so she lets me know whenever we have an argument, you haven’t changed etc, but I don’t think she means it, but I understand why it’s difficult for her to trust me anymore. Addicts should not beg for forgiveness and should not expect it, such is the mantra. In some way however none of that matters. What does, is this feeling within me, my change, noticing it. Immersing my focus in its company and getting closer to my one true self; calmly. I know and feel this difference, a calm positivity and sense of belonging to this world. It fills me with pride for what I have achieved and excitement for the rest of my life ahead. A calm confidence and humility for the future. I have much to learn and am open to a lifelong in its presence, finding the beauty, happiness and love that this world can bring.

Since my acceptance I had continued to smoke ganja and then pretty quickly decided to bin that too. I wanted to be entirely free from drugs, their effects and physical dependency. Shortly following going clean I went through a four-week period where I had awful sleep. I read extensively that CBD would help me to regulate my sleep following quitting alcohol. I decided this would be good way to go, however of late I have been smoking it every day, and I wonder if that is a habit. Of course it is! Although there is no high, I enjoy it and it helps me stay calm and sleep better for now. The truth is that it has dawned on me, that deep down, I want to give up smoking entirely. I truly want to be 100% clean. No toxins. My partner is an inspiration for this. She is so knowledgeable about what we put into our bodies. About foods, what they can give, and how to eat healthily. I want to make a shift to this way of living even more. Really taking care of what we put into our bodies. Knocking the old strawberry haze on the head is probably a good way to start. I guess we’ll see, as we have a fantastic summer ahead and it would be nice to have some CBD while touring France. After all I’m going to Bordeaux, a life long dream of mine. My favourite drink in the world, ever, period. It’s going to be difficult to be surrounded by Pomerol, Margaux, Paulliac, Haut-Medoc, St Estephe and all my other favourite appellations, so a lickle tickle of impotent weed will be helpful. I hope that by next summer I will be completely smoke free. I am fully aware that I am using the CBD buds as a crutch, in the aftermath of 30 years of caning it on a daily basis.

And so we’re hitting the road next Friday for a month. I can’t wait to be cruising through the beautiful french countryside with my wonderful family. They are cool, all of them, I am proud to say, and good travellers too. They are excited also and we have a brand new car to boot. I finally had to ditch the bimmer or should I say bummer. Truly awful vehicles past 70 thousand miles. Our new vehicle is a Toyota and I’m told they are the most reliable on the road, so we will see. I’m just glad its a comfy ride and has a booming sound system.

Before we hit the roads we’ve got a party on the Thames to go to, my sister in laws 50th. It looks like it’s going to be awesome. I’m looking forward to seeing everybody and also her cousins over from Mexico, who are always a laugh. There will no doubt be dancing, drinking, speeches and great food. I’m looking forward to not being phased by people getting drunk, I seem to be ok with that now and enjoy banter and a boogie with loved ones. It’s almost been 6 months since abstinence and I think I’m through the addiction ripple effects and aftershocks. If I had to reflect and say to others how long does it take? I would probably say 6 months fully, to let go. Perhaps I will say something different in a further 6 months? Who knows? I’m open and not going to call time on that yet. It’s still each day at a time for me, for now, and I’m in no rush to veer from my path.