I could have based my whole life here guzzling bottle after bottle. The finest vineyards and the most famous chateauxs drift past my window as I drive to Bordeaux. There’s something symbolic and perhaps calculated about why I am here at this time in my life. After years of dreaming about coming to this mystical area, with the finest red wine at it’s core, there is some irony in why I find myself in this magical region following abstinence. Destiny has called, I don’t know if I’m ready to experience this test, however I am open and committed to understanding my feelings.

The wedding was a fabulous affair. The venue idyllic, adorned with beautiful lawns flowers and a quintessential French country house. We stayed up late dancing into the night until the party came to a close. It felt good to be surrounded by so many happy souls all coming together to celebrate love. The bride and groom were clearly elated, connected and marked their commitment to each other in a very special way. The food was spectacular, crevettes, oysters, duck, sophisticated garnishes, micro herbs, platter after platter. No expense spared. Of course everyone was drinking, apart from myself and perhaps one other guest. I questioned myself throughout the night as to whether I should smell the red wine that was on offer, a grand van de Bordeaux. I knew it would be good, despite being from a lesser known house and only first rung on the scoring ladder. Towards the end of the night my curiosity got the better of me. I took the bottle and inhaled it’s offering. It smelled fantastic. I however had no desire to take a glass. But I could tell it was deep and robust, well balanced and complex, rich and herbaceous. I had been thinking if I could have actually done a wine tour of the left and right bank, visit the various houses I had dreamt about for so many years, Pomerol, Paulliac, Margaux and perhaps do some tasting. I could possibly just spit the wine out as one does. Perhaps a step too far and not applicable for someone like me. I can imagine letting one gulp slip down and that would be the end, I would have succumbed. Undone all my good work. I know what comes next. Resignation. I would have to devour the whole bottle and some. So for now despite being in this haven; epicenter of my previous life, I must leave it behind and respectfully honor from a far.

We arrived at the next venue following the wedding with the bride and groom. It’s a beautiful villa with pool, and there’s seven adults and four kids at present. We had a lovely meal last night cooked by a very talented chef who I like very much, however the drinking has been copious. I felt a little distant towards the end of the night as I saw large whiskeys going around, three fingers deep, no ice. I could tell they were going to drink into the early hours of the morning and therefore it was time for me to slide off. When I got up in the morning the ashtray was brewing over, whiskey bottle empty. I suspect we will be in different time zones for the rest of the holiday, that’s fine though, each to their own. I have to admit there is a little bit of envy on my part, not because I want to drink, but because I feel a little isolated and not part of the gang. I guess it’s a touch of FOMO. Those golden hours going into the early morning sharing anecdotes, laugher, special moments, connecting with new people. I just can’t do it if I’m not drinking. I calculated yesterday’s session was 12 hours, started at 6pm ended at 6am. I’m currently sitting by the pool at 10:45 and I’m the only one awake. Perhaps a bit of irrational martyrdom, I can feel emotional in these moments, but must remember the enormous strength I have mustered to come this far. I may feel alone in these fleeting minutes, but it will pass and is mostly untrue.

Since departing England I have been slacking on my recovery crutches such as regular exercise, meditating etc. I need to try and find some time this week to re-establish this balance and also enjoy the great company that is here with me. Understand that they’ll be drinking into the night most nights and I won’t be, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me any less valued, I know who I am, my journey and that I have good bonds with these people. My partner has been fantastic, patient and supportive. My children are alongside with me and I need to realize my priorities, respect them and value every second. Be present, available and open to what life presents. Confine the what ifs and insecurities to the background and allow them to drift by without influence.