To react or not react that is the question. It’s become quite obvious to me for some time now that it’s best not to jump to your first conclusion and voice your disdain in a heated argument. I’m talking about those moments when I feel aggrieved, unheard, targetted, unjustly blamed.. we all go through it, and usually it’s because someone else is dumping their load. I can see myself saying it’s not fair, what’s wrong with them, why can’t they see how irrational they are being, but at the end of the day the best approach is to realise that it’s perhaps nothing that you have done, even if the third party truly believes their BS. In these situations the best course of action is to listen. Pour all of your attentiveness into trying to understand the other person’s loss of control, blame pointing, hypocrisy, immaturity or whatever it is that has led them to project, attack and unload their insecurities into a nice little warhead of anger and criticism aimed at you. If you can truly listen in these moments and take your time, they are golden opportunities to learn about yourself, your resilience and growth. In the past I may have entered into the battle and don’t get me wrong, sometimes I am baited, but I quickly try to exit and not fall for it. Nowadays I take the scenic route and genuinely try to understand, reflect and not rush into any counter strike. I am hoping that I can grow in this direction and also curb people in my life who are this way, antagonistic, impulsive and who lack taking responsibility. I’ve already lost 1 friend this year for this reason and to be fair, I have no regrets. I don’t want to go into the future holding negative relationships and just like with alcohol, I’m prepared to drop any friends who behave in this manner.

I have also noticed, in a similar vein, that frequently disputes between friends, families or lovers are centered around getting your own way. An inability to compromise, having to be right. Often over subjective matters, feelings and emotions. Rarely are they over how long to boil an egg, unless of course projection is at play. It’s sad that so much grievance can happen in these moments when really it should be ok to agree to disagree and then STFU. It’s the continuation, the pushing, having to win hard that causes the most damage. While working as a senior leader, I also witnessed this frequently, such as  mammoth email battles between staff with myself cc’d into them so as to referee. The underlining issues clearly linked to specific insecurities, yet both parties exteriorising heat and blame, blow by blow as if an exhausting chess match between Kasparov and Carlsen.

Much of this behaviour can be linked back to ego, self worth and significance in this world. Right now I’m learning how to be completely insignificant as part of my healing and it is a daily challenge, particularly when debating with loved ones which avenue to take, putting ego aside and compromising. However I am getting better at it. And I am happier. My change in direction since abstinence has made a huge impact on me and as a result I am still discovering the new me. It’s rewarding and exciting to continue on my path each day, with an open mind for what comes next. I do have moments where I sink back into anxiety and envy, but am quickly able to realise my quest for peace and happiness supercedes any of the doctrine that society imposes. For example this week I learned that a colleague and friend of mine who climbed the educational ladder alongside me becoming Vice Principal at a similar college has just made Principal. For a moment I was jealous and said to myself that could have been me. It took me some minutes to remember that, that is not my goal or direction any more. I’m really happy for him and what’s more he will make a much better Principal than I, as he is invested and committed to the cause, where I no longer am, and that is ok. Different lives, different challenges and separate pathways.

I am the happiest I have been and that would not have been possible sitting in stuffy offices, boardrooms, conferences and hearings. Wearing a suit, daily commuting and hitting the bottle as soon as I got home.

I am alive and healthy, and that is all I can ask for.