So it’s been 2 weeks since one of my friends passed away. He was a fantastic person, who lived his life the right way. He ate well, he didn’t smoke and barely drank. The saddest thing about what happened to him, was his wife had passed away 2 years earlier. She too had been very healthy, but sadly succumbed to cancer, as did he, in midlife. Of course it has deeply saddened me, but it’s also made me realize how precious life is yet again, and perhaps how lucky I am to still be here. I can’t help feeling a sense of guilt, that if anybody should have left this planet it should have been me, not my dear friend or his wife that lived life the right way.

It’s made me even more motivated to try and be as healthy, available and present for this part of my life and beyond. I’m beginning to realise how important it is to look after yourself and give love to those around you, be nice and appreciate this world. I’m convinced that if all of us were like this, there would be no pyramid, there’d be true equality and we might as a human race even realise our true destiny and perhaps more positively than on our current trajectory. I had a fascinating conversation this week, with my chess partner, (yes I play chess online) with a friend. He said to me that humankind needs to realize how important we are, not only for this earth but the universe, he explained to me how he thought this earth is more important for the universe than people think. He suggested that we could actually be the most intelligent life forms throughout the universe. For example, it could be us that first realises inter stellar space travel and brings planets and other species together, perhaps developing civilization throughout the universe. He was saying that we could actually be the birth of a new intelligent life force that further down the line is the spawn of further progression, could we have a hugely significant part to play? Or perhaps we will sled destruct and never realise what good we could bring to more than just our planet. He’s not religious, in fact he sees all religions as a  form of manipulation and government, to which I tend to agree, but what he was suggesting was that we should know how insignificant each one of us are, and be positively able to release our ego, accept reality, but also realise how precious our existence is and perhaps how important it could be to the future of the universe. This of course can only be possible if we start working together, and stop our capitalist, competitive culture from domineering our landscape, where all our equal, no pyramid. Perhaps a Eutopian fantasy, but nonetheless a good one, which is theoretically possible. I digress…

So back to my journey… It’s been 27 weeks now since my last drink. With each passing week it’s becoming more and more irrelevant to me. The cravings I initially had for double zero beer way back on Reunion Island have completely gone. I do enjoy a double zero beer once in a while but I must say that if I don’t get one, and everyone else is drinking, I don’t have that fear, the rising blockage in my upper torso, that anxiety of missing out. I can do just as well with a glass of any soft drink, fizzy water, other flavoured drink or even nothing at all. I feel as if I’m entering a new phase in my recovery. I Find myself dealing with who I really am. Growing up I had always been so confident, but in my teenage years it was almost as if it was a false confidence. I was jealous of people who did better than me. I was never entirely happy, and envious of almost anything that passed me by, wanting new things. Materialistic and craving desire. A gorgeous girl on the arm of another man, some guy driving past in a beautiful car, even people having fun, there was always a part of me that felt that I didn’t have enough, even though deep down I knew I did and how lucky I was. I still can’t quite put my finger on where this comes from. Does everybody feel it? Is this how we survive as human beings that we’re fighters always wanting more always trying to make our futures better, have more. I guess it’s a carnal instinct for survival to have wealth, offspring, successful offspring that can compete. I am now beginning to see that for its clarity. I am becoming more insignificant, I am happy for others if they’re happy. I don’t envy my neighbour in any way. I’m trying to understand what makes me happy, and what I have now with my life, my friends, my family, my children. They are all I need. It may have taken 48 years to get here, but I feel reborn. A second chance. If you asked me where I wanted to be in the next 10 years I honestly can’t say. All I wish for is my health, my family’s health and an improving world for us to live in. I guess that sounds terribly woke, but it’s really how I feel. A far cry from my drunken days of insecurity, fear, anxiety, jealousy, envy and sadness.

As my children are now getting older I imagine what they will go through. All I want to do is be the best role model I can be, be a support for them. An unwavering love and calmness in their life. I don’t want to put any pressures on them to be somebody, achieve, compete, in the way I was. I have faith that if they have the foundations and basic principles, the love and the security at home, they will be able to achieve anything that they want in life. Sure we need to be patient with them and ensure they do their homework, but no threats of ‘being a nobody’ or ‘cleaning toilets’. I’m convinced that this environment that I was brought up in, all those cliches, was embedded in me and is the basis for a lot of my problems in adulthood that I’m finally overcoming. I’m tearing down parts of my ego and rebuilding an undiscovered side to me. Finally I’m here and I don’t quite know who I am yet, but altogether I like the new me and I hope others do too.