For my entire life I have listened to logic, science and fact when making decisions, only not with alcohol or drugs. I am trying to learn why and understand my past. I am currently reading ‘In the realm of hungry ghosts’ by Gabor Mate. The book focuses on life experiences of real addicts overcoming addiction and in particular answering the question of ‘why?’. Why do we become addicts, where others do not? Many say it is genetic, born that way or personality, but in truth it lies somewhere more complex, layered and through personal experiences. It takes deep understanding to know why, however once one does it can be the final breakthrough to sustained freedom. I was discussing this with a friend recently and he said, ‘it’s all bollocks, drinking and doing drugs is fun, there’s nothing more to it than that. You’ve just got to be careful not to abuse it.’ And here lies the conundrum. Why do some slip into daily usage and eventually develop dependency? I could possibly answer this, but if you are struggling with knowing whether you are dependent or not, normally indicates you are. It took me 15 years of hearing that voice inside my head before I took action. I wish I had done it sooner. In all honesty that first week was the toughest and I urge anyone having these thoughts just to try. You may be surprised.

But coming back to my question of why? My research has repeatedly suggested that all roads lead to PTSD, childhood trauma, unresolved inner conflict, grief and loss. I have to say that in my case I identify with this. I suffered as a child and had to grow up quick. Too quick. Perhaps I never grew up.

This is because my family unit melted down from when I was 8 years old. It was traumatic. I remember waking each day and for a split second I was home and happy, but then I would remember where I was living, my situation and my loss. In a broken home with parents living in separate rooms who never spoke to eachother, unless it was an argument. I was in disbelief again, day after day. Why me? The truth is, it was happening all around. There were other kids in my class suffering too, I remember talking to them about it and sharing stories about what was going on at home. We collectively felt that life was a lie, everything we had been told by the adults was unreliable and so from that moment I began to make my own rules.

By the time I was eleven I had my first cigarette, twelve spliff and Ecstacy at thirteen. I see thirteen year olds now and I can’t believe I was doing that. I was only a child, but inside I felt my childhood was over, locked up in a book of fake memories, a sense of betrayal and lost respect for my parents. The only people I now looked up to were my brother and his friends. Let’s take drugs. The other kids in my school on the same path became my brotherhood, and very quickly I fell into an army of lost children seeking other broken souls for support. At the time I thought I had found something special and maybe I had, but altogether looking back, I now know the truth. It was self preservation / destruction and escape. I was trying to test my boundaries and if I paid with my life it would be their fault. I didn’t care if I lived or died, my life was already over. So why not pursue everything while I’m here? It’s hard to describe, perhaps an oxymoron of sorts, but nonetheless real. I wanted to feel more alive than ever so dicing with death attracted me. I would regularly ‘double drop’ and on occasion binge for days at a time.

So looking back I can see how reckless I was and how I followed chaos over logic. Despite having a logical brain, I dispelled this side of me in my personal life and lived in chaos. I created a tough exterior to protect myself. I never wanted to feel that pain again and I lived my life escaping from my true emotions by losing myself in drugs, raves and an older friendship group. I didn’t identify with my age group, they were still meeting up in the local square at the weekend when I wanted to be at Rage, Telepathy or Labyrinth (some of the early rave club nights in London’s ecstasy generation). I had to be ‘headstrong’, streetwise and savvy if I was going to survive in this drug fuelled nocturnal lifestyle. I had all the tools in my arsenal and was going to use them to have fun, influence others and carve a career as a DJ producer in this world. In charge of my own destiny, after all the adults couldn’t be trusted, look at them, they were unhappy, angry, burnt out and alone. So I ignored my studies from that point on and focussed only on raving and improving my skills as a DJ.

At the time I thought I was having the most amazing life; so lucky to be experiencing the emergence of house music in the UK. I first stepped inside a rave at the age of 13 in 1989. The nightclubs were Dingwalls in Camden, Troy at Shaftesbury’s, the Brain and the Wag on Wardour street. But Rage was the best. The first time I went there I got my membership and was guaranteed entry from then on for £3. I didn’t look back, I had found my calling. I loved dancing all night long, studying the DJ, their skills and how to do it. Before long I was DJing too and quickly became good at it. By the time I was 15 I was opening for Carl Cox at Trade, I remember lending him records to play on occasion if I had happened to pick up something he hadn’t got. At the time he was just another London DJ to me. Same as Colin Favour, Judge Jules etc. Of course he became a legend but in these early days to me he was just one of the old school, he was part of this underground new sound that only we knew about. House music was not mainstream and so it was ours, a secret, something special. 500 white labels out the back of a car, house parties and the odd rave on the M25 in a hanger. I never did go to one of those, but I didn’t need to. None of us could drive, being too young and being in London we were blessed with nights everyday of the week. All I had to do was crawl out of my bedroom window and my parents would have no idea that I was gone for the night. And so my journey with addiction began. I thought it was special, and in some ways it really was, but ultimately it led me to long term dependence on class As, alcohol followed and then depression and subsequently a loss of identity and authenticity.

Now that I understand my childhood properly I have began to answer the why question. It sits somewhere between adventurous maverick and self sabotage. If I’m going to fail, I am going to do it to myself, rather than try my hardest and still fail. This way I could have excuses about not reaching my potential and could appoint blame to a third party. I am now being honest about my weaknesses and fears, firstly to myself but also to others. I think this is crucial if you are to change and evolve. One must say these out loud to others and not be ashamed if they are to heal, in my opinion. Now that I have accepted these and am working on them, I have embraced my fears and welcome them. I’m even getting better with spiders oddly enough! I am more comfortable with who I am, and am learning to really not care what others think about me, because I am genuinely trying to be a good human being, who is thoughtful and understanding. If I can do that and follow my instincts, coupled with logical choices, I can find balance. I’m happy to say this is becoming more familiar to me and certainly would not have been possible when I was in alcohol’s vice. I am in no rush to prove myself to anyone, least of all myself and am taking my time to let the real me emerge. I am content and happy, in the most part and know that my biggest fears can be rationalised, understood and overcome. I’m ready to share, be loved and reciprocate in all walks of life. I’m excited for the unknown and have an open mind to what it will bring, I am no longer in fear of the unexpected and it feels liberating.

I’m not bitter about my past anymore. I’m proud of my decisions and even though my real dream didn’t entirely come true, even better things have happened to me. I have wonderful children and a supportive partner. A loving family, a fantastic house and good standard of life. I have wonderful friends, a connected social life and enjoy so many hobbies. I am truly fortunate on this planet, one of the lucky ones. And so with that, I owe. I owe everyone love, respect, kindness and patience. And that is how I intend to live my life until the end.

To the person who stole my car, I forgive you. I hope that you can find peace in your life.