This week I have been struggling with loss. First it was my car, then my job and finally my tooth…

Since my car was stolen, almost 3 weeks ago, I have failed to let go. It’s not the money that has been lost (approx £25k) but the actual car itself. I had become attached to it emotionally and as my partner said to me, ‘it’s as if we have lost a part of our home.’ I feel that too, the memories that we made with the car travelling throughout France over the summer were with that car and I miss it. I felt a connection and subsequently sense loss. The car brought my family back together on our roadtrip and was symbolic of that time. It would not suffice to replace it with a new model. I have noticed that every day since the theft, it has affected my mood. Lingering in the back of my mind. I am slightly down and sad that it has been taken from me and my family. Because of the awful insurance system, there has been no payout as of yet, and to add insult to injury, no courtesy car, so we have to get buses everywhere. I accept that this is nothing to complain about, but finally having a beautiful new car in life that you can tour countries with comfortably, family in tow, was a moment I had been waiting for my entire life, and to have it swept away from us within 2 months of purchase leaves a really sour taste in our mouths. I did however think that I would have coped better, been able to let go, but quite simply have been unable to do so. Perhaps the arduous journeys in the rain, taking 2 buses to school every morning, getting soaked have not helped, but as I’ve said, it was something personal, irreplaceable, that was taken away.

Perhaps all of this attachment and loss I sense is a natural vulnerability that comes with age, as I draw close to 50 and an internal drive to ensure longevity swells within. Perhaps that Is why I finally gave up drinking. My innings was over, I had a good run and now it was time to preserve what is left. I’m still smoking CBD to help me sleep, but that also needs to stop as clearly smoking is not the healthiest of options.

Coming back to addiction and on a happier note, I have began to enjoy having 2 or 3 zero or 0.5 non-alcoholic beers more recently. I don’t have that slight edge sitting in pubs anymore and in fact quite the opposite has occurred, I look forward to going out to meet a friend for a drink, just as before, but this time without addiction. It’s still all a bit new, but nonetheless enjoyable, as before when I was drinking. I am surprised that the full process of abstaining seems complete after just 8 months. I do wonder that if I drank again what would happen. Would I like it? Probably.. would I like it too much? That is the question I don’t want to face, so for now I’m going to stay in my lane. Acceptance is key. I must not play with my demons as I’m bound to get burnt. I’m a noob at this afterall.

I’m also still sweating on my new contract at work, so there has been plenty of triggers around for the last month, along with tragic loss of my friend Lee who finally passed away. A sudden blow. I was only 2 days older than him, so again this has served as a reality check. I have however sustained my sobriety through this period without a glimmer of seduction from alcohol.

I’ve been imagining how I would feel now, if I had continued to drink as I used to. I’m sure I would be more irritable and would not have coped well with the car theft. I can picture myself awakening each day, slightly hungover, walking around in a melancholic haze feeling sorry for myself. And although I am down, it would have been worse if I had been drinking. Overall life is better and I must not be consumed by recent events. Meditation will be a great support, I must not forget what got me here.