The ups and downs of life continued to circle. I should accept that this is life for everyone else too. No one has it perfect. Up until recently, I’ve dreamt that if I did the right thing and worked hard, there wouldn’t be many problems in mine, but naturally there are. For all of us. Regardless of wealth, fame, fortune, just when you think things could be on the up, something comes along and brings you back to scare one. This week my daughter has a mole on her back that has scabbed over. We’ve moved into full panic mode suspecting melanoma and although it is very low risk we are concerned and are taking steps. When the car was stolen I said to myself at least we are all healthy, so in some illogical way I feel that I’m owed, however that is not how life works, and I should know that by now. The things that I can influence I am doing and that is all I can do. The music I have been writing is fantastic imho and I’ve been working hard at it, several hours per day, refining, refining and more refining. My contract has come through at work, so my financial situation is on the rise, and I’m continuing to hit the gym regularly and subsequently am feeling good about most elements within my grasp. The only niggle that I now need to relinquish is to surrender the CBD, well at least the smoking of it. If anything I should move to vaping or making infused tea. My problem is I just really enjoy smoking weed, the aroma, the effects and the ritual itself. In another life I think I could well have been Rasta, as there are so many elements of the culture I identify with. Firstly the music, which I love. It enables me to feel closer to humanity, earth and my surroundings. I’ve been making Reggae over the last few months and feel it’s life force in my veins. It does something to me that is almost undescribable. I feel free and alive whilst in the midst of production and am taking my songwriting skills into another dimension. Hopefully one day I’ll mek it to Jamaica. Soon come mi a seh.

On the alcohol front, all is good. I’m enjoying having a double zero beer here and there, alongside the football for example, or in a pub with a friend. I still fear the thoughts of drinking real alcohol and what it will do to me. I want to be in a position where I don’t have any anxiety or fear. Not that I want to drink, I just don’t want to have any feelings about alcohol whatsoever. I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe that’s my obsession with control when it comes to addiction. I want to be able to truly let go, in the same way I have with my ego. Indifference. No effect and no position. As if we were talking about coffee, where I have never had any addictive persuasion. When I started on this journey my dream was to be able to drink like everyone else, at parties, a gig or catching up with a friend in a pub. I feel that is too dangerous for me. I remember seeing Shark Tale with my kids and the scene where the sharks have abstained from eating fish, but the slightest drop of blood and they turn possessed. I fear this will happen to me. If I have one, I will have to reach that level beyond tipsy. As I’m coping so well right now I’m trying to reject those thoughts, but they do linger. I guess they would with anyone that had decided to abstain for a year or so. Such as pregnant women, I’m sure they miss alcohol whilst in maternity and look forward to having a drink following birth.

I know it must sound like I’m beginning to create a story that will enable my drinking again. However my intention is simply to write down my thoughts on this journey, be able to reflect on them and support others who have been through what I’ve been through, or those thinking of starting their journey. There are no definites in life, all I can do is be in the present and acknowledge my feelings. And this is one of them. I equally have thoughts that I may never drink again, but do ultimately think that is unlikely.   What I will do is not drink until I am much more comfortable with the idea, and that certainly isn’t now. I am 8 months in abstinence and enjoying my life so much more that I’m in no rush to experiment with my feelings for consumption. So until then, it’s definitely on the back burner.

Next week I start my new contract and I’m looking forward to supporting young people and helping them navigate their barriers to learning and self belief. Right, back to the studio and then on to the gym..