For years I was going out by myself. Well into my forties. I was hypnotised into chasing that adrenalin rush, that first hit of excitement and building on it. It wasn’t so much the alcohol and drugs, but the feeling of enjoyment, pleasure, fun and energy. Drugs were always there, in some form, but mostly alcohol and weed were my staple. I devoured class As in my early days, but by the time I reached my mid-20s, I had curbed them and softened to drinking and smoking mainly, but altogether I was constantly in pursuit of something. I cherished the sense of excitement, escape. Cliché I know and all too obvious, but nonetheless it was my daily news. This obsession progressed well into my 30s and 40s, but eventually most days, I was the only one at the party. Dangerous. Everybody else had moved on. In the last 10 to 15 years I was solo drifting, going from pub to pub by myself and making ‘new’ friends, other drinkers. Partners in enabling my addictions. It would be unfair to say that they  weren’t my friends because I did create some very strong bonds with many people during this time. However our whole axis of contact was alcohol, day in, day out. I enjoyed myself alot, but there were days where I was down, miserable and tied to alcohol for relief. I didn’t have the will or energy to pull myself from the repetition and so I continued. I became slower, put on weight, less sharp mentally and was unable to pursue my real passions. And so I escaped, back to the pub and shared my stresses with other drinkers, repeating the cycle day after day.

Now that I’m not drinking however, I’ve noticed my social life has declined. It’s quite often I feel lonely. I rarely have friends over and spend a lot of time at home. Many of my old friends had moved on from London, and now that I don’t have the drinking crowd, I have noticed I am much more reliant on my family to fill that gap. Not that, that’s bad because I love them and love their company, but because I need others outside that. I do have some local friends who remained, but when I say some, I mean two. I rarely see them, maybe once a month at the best, so I’m a little stifled socially. 

I thought that joining my health club, gym meditation and playing tennis may help this need, but as of yet I haven’t really made any great friends to date. It’s difficult to imagine having a new close friend. I haven’t made one in years. I guess I haven’t needed to, but now I’m alcohol free, it would be nice to have some alcohol free friends locally that I could hang out with. I’m continuing to make efforts with people, so hopefully in time I will develop a new local network.

In the last week I went  to Greece to catch the last of the summer sun. I stayed with one of my oldest friends from back in the day. It was great to catch up with him and spend quality time together, chatting, laughing and putting the world to rights. It was equally rich spending quiet time together, cotching on  the beach in silence, listening to the waves. Being late Summer, beaches were empty, there was something especially magical about it. Encapsulated solitude. Dreamlike. It was so quiet at some point, cows and grouse came on to the beach. Completely surreal, immersed in nature and insignificant. I perhaps had my deepest meditation session there. I felt that I reached a new level of connection with myself and inner peace.

Altogether, I had a replenishing week, I was not tempted by alcohol at all and had time to reflect and rest. I continued to make music, push my boundaries and create outside the box, breaking my own rules and letting my instincts guide me. Freedom and release.

I have however noticed for a while that my daily consumption of CBD has become too much. It served it’s purpose in regulating my sleep, so from next week I’m going to start reducing my intake with a view to park it. I hope that I will be able to sleep, as that was the main reason I began using CBD in the first place. So now I’m regulated, it’s time to put it down. Stating it in this blog helps me. It’s almost as if I’ve made a commitment by saying it out loud. It was the same when I verbalised giving up alcohol to those closest to me. Once you’ve said it, it’s so much more powerful. I really urge any addicts out there reading this who are thinking of quitting to do that. Tell someone your plans and it will help you.

I’ve also come to realise that weed, truly is emotional armour. Especially when relied on heavily, day in day out. I smoked because I liked the high, but also it softened my anxieties and quietened my angst, but just like alcohol, without it, I was in panic mode. This time  though, I am not so dependent on CBD. I’m ready to place it on pause and truly be clean and calm.