It’s feeling like autumn. The school term is well underway and is in full swing. Next week is half term, and with my partner taking the kids to Paris for the week, I will be home alone. A perfect opportunity to get utterly obliterated.. but of course I won’t. And besides I have no desire to. Despite abstination being three quarters of a year now, it all still feels so new. I wonder how long this feeling will last, before it’s no longer a privilege. I feel lucky, a little bit like when I was a boy, coming up towards Christmas. Each morning I wake up and feel alive to live. Excited about what’s next. I feel younger and with more opportunity for happiness. I am trying to make the most of each day. It feels uplifting to know I have made this change and it’s working. People tell me so. And I like it.

There is however a downside, that lingers murky in the back of my mind. A sad anxiety, a fear. It’s something deeper that I can’t quite pinpoint, but it mildly stresses me. I’ve been trying to pinpoint exactly where it comes from, using my meditation sessions to release myself to see what drifts by. I’ve imagined moments from my childhood, whether they were true or not, could show me some guidance to understand where this irrational feeling, or fear comes from.

Perhaps it’s not  irrational, it’s just who we are as human beings and accepting that we will always have niggling feelings about the future, the past, the unknown and subsequent what ifs, whys, how? etc. The constant ruminating over how you could have played out a situation differently. All the guilt of not achieving everything that you said you would. All the acceptance that you’re just not that good at something that you dreamt about being your life. I have these battles every day. Whether it’s about being a music producer, a father, a brother, a friend. A constant guilt for not maybe getting the best from myself. I know that I put too much pressure on myself and that I need to release this fear, that perhaps stems from my fragile ego that I have been trying to release. In my case it’s more complex, because I believe that fragile ego is tied to a broken child that was abandoned and has constantly searched for love and assurance. I occasionally feel that I’m not good enough for anyone, anything, any place and I’m constantly climbing, clawing higher, just to get nearer to the expectations of everyone else. Of course these are imagined and come from my subconscious. I constantly have to muffle those thoughts, but they are there.

However, my understanding of this area of myself has been truly liberating. I’m beginning to deeply resonate with what people mean when they say self aware, whereas before I wasn’t entirely sure how people can differ in self-awareness. Self awareness to me was more how you exteriorised yourself and how other people saw you, whereas I’m beginning to really understand that it is much more than that. It is about understanding yourself inside, forgiving yourself and embracing how you can nurture your soul. The awareness part is almost a by product of your acceptance. You come first, then you will see how you are perceived. This time it won’t be a fantasy.

So becoming back to this week’s opportunities for growth, my car insurance has finally come through and I have spent the week shopping around, haggling with car salesmen, to know avail. Not a single one was prepared to do the bartering fandango with me, but eventually I ended up with a deal I’m happy with. I’m picking up the car today and looking forward to driving it home. I’ve got all sorts of defences up my sleeve to protect it this time, so hopefully it won’t be pinched from right under my nose again. I’m still a little perplexed about why the loss of the car got to me so. Something there that needs to be unpicked because it made a big dent in my soul for four weeks. I was emotional. I guess it’s linked to money, because the car was worth a tidy amount. Enough to pay for several years of holidays for the whole family, in beautiful places. So in some way it was linked to seriously improving me and my family’s well-being during that period and would have been a terrible loss had we not been paid out. On the other hand maybe I’m just trying to justify this to my own mind, to stop those feelings of shame dripping in. About being the weak minded individual, that is so materialistic, he can’t let go of his car.

A spiral of madness that should not be dwelled on! Still got much work to do… Breathe…