When I began my journey I didn’t really know what I was doing. All I knew was that something had to change. I had to start. That was the key. A crisis finally got me moving, but altogether I knew things had to move in a new direction. There was simply too much bad stuff in my life. I l realised that my first thing to change was my job. I couldn’t face giving up alcohol and continuing to work. That was just too daunting as I was using the alcohol to cope with work stresses, so I needed to quit my job first and foremost. I wouldn’t have had the strength to quit and go into that miserable environment every day. This was a huge decision, as it was the job that had brought me a good life. Well paid, respected and valuable to society. I had worked my way up and eventually started a new creative arts school from scratch. I was, and still am, so proud of what I achieved. Could I really turn my back on this? I knew I had to and the reality was that I hated my job 95% of the time. Everyday there were crisis after after crisis which landed firmly at my door. I was vice principal and my boss had assigned all of the dirty work to me. Slowly over the years we grew apart and by the end she was firmly pointing the finger at me whenever something went wrong, which when unpicked was largely down to her poor strategic judgement, and at times incapability. I also noticed that if I ever pointed out faults in her plan, she would get emotional, angry and defensive. In the end She used innocuous moments to drag me over the coals, align my subordinates against me and leverage me to leave. I could have gone through the union, but decided that it would be better to vacate my position. By this stage I was broken, crying every morning before going to work. Everything I had worked for amounted to bitterness, depression and pain. I was going to say goodbye to all that I had built. I was burnt out too and so eventually made my move. Firstly I asked for a sabbatical. Denied. I hoped that if I had a year off, I could perhaps resolve my issues and also, my boss may get found out and move on. But, it wasn’t to be. I went to the doctor and explained everything. How I felt everyday. It was the first time I had communicated this outside of my family and as much as it was liberating it showed to me how broken I was. I cried and cried in the doctors office, barely getting the words out. Somehow I was embarrassed, not to show my emotions, but to admit defeat. That I was going to resign before pushed. That I had failed. I am still struggling with that, and although I know that is not the truth, I feel I could have done better. The reality is, I should have left earlier and propelled myself into another leadership role some years prior, but I stayed, COVID arrived and I decided to use my good salary to secure a large mortgage before quitting.

And so my doctor signed me off with depression and anxiety. Every month it got renewed and finally after 4 months I threw in the towel. I got my 3 months’ notice pay plus holiday, so altogether got what I wanted, but still the spectre of failure haunted me. Almost 2 years on and I still feel it. I have dreams, or should I say, nightmares involving the people I worked with. I wished that I would have left following a Grade 1 Outstanding inspection following an Ofsted, however that didn’t happen, until 6 months after I left. That was a big kick in the teeth. I felt that I had worked so hard over the 10 years that I was there, from Inception to excellence, only to miss out on the kudos that had eluded me my whole career. And so I festered, at home, day by day, finally being able to relax and not have the huge amounts of cortisol pumping through my veins from the stress of work. I steadily drank as normal, but was down, lost and in shock at what I had finally done. But I knew it was the right thing to do, deep down I was proud and finally I was free. I was a good teacher who learnt how to be outstanding and I shared that with others to make successful teams. I am really proud of that, but ultimately it was not my driving force. I am a creative, I am an educator, I am a leader, but I’m also tired. Tired of working in toxic environments and having to pick up the pieces of broken government policies and agendas and so for now, I’m out and away from all the clambering of lost souls seeking attention and approval.

For a long time  following leaving I believed I didn’t belong. It hurt me so much to feel unloved by staff and unwanted. But over time I came to realise that the workplace is competitive, toxic and ruthless in some places. I had good bonds with some and made friends, but at the top, there are sharks and in the future I will be more careful, more distant and not so open to my senior colleagues. Work is important, but your life and wellbeing always come first and when you begin to have doubts, that is your cue, stage door left…