I am sorry to anyone reading or following this blog for not always posting on the same day each week. I will try to improve that! I’m currently 1 week behind where I should be, so I’m double posting this week.

If anyone can tell me the best day to post each week please let me know in the comments below this post…

I’ve read time and time again that true addicts are not in denial. I’ve also experienced it first hand. Lines such as ‘what do you expect, I’m an alci’, or ‘I’m a weed head for life’. I’ve come across the same concept many a time, that addicts often accept their addictions and give up their fight. They openly blame their addiction for their actions, excusing poor behaviour for example, and rightly so IMO, I support this, as being an addict, is a disease. It’s difficult to truly assess how someone can find the willpower and strength to abstain and sustain. It has been one of the biggest challenges in my life if not the biggest. In my case of course, I finally did it, but still have the fear of going back, not that I want to, but just the actual fear of where I was, how I got there and how difficult it was to quit. I can honestly see the rest of my life without a drop of alcohol because of this.

It helps to remember when I gave up weed for a year and how I relapsed. I was 30 at the time and had discovered a penchant for red wine, so had found it easy to quit weed given my new found vice. I was at carnival and thought, just one toke on a spliff, that was the end, I was back into daily smoking. On occasion it’s just so difficult to say no. That little voice just keeps pestering, oh go on, you know you want to. Just one last… And then when you’ve done that, the guilt, the shame kicks in and you realise you have failed. You give up on giving up. And so the daily routine gathers pace before you know it, you’re all in.

Sometimes its good to accept you are an addict and that right now, there’s nothing you can do about it, but if you change things around you, maybe in time you can. As I said in my last post, I knew I could not give up alcohol until I quit my job. That was a massive milestone for me. Acceptance of the influencing factor, the trigger. I strongly recommend anyone reading this who struggles with addiction to dig deep and find your trigger. It could take any form, but most of the time is linked to trauma, regret, fear, shame. Something that did not work out for you in your life.

When I finally went for it, I had established that there were many factors. Abandonment from my father, underachieving at school, underachieving in my music career, a constant need to be loved, a lack of money in my life and anxiety of having none (that is still with me, but I do live pay check to pay check). But since I accepted, I have become so much more mentally stronger and subsequently happier. I jam pack my days with activity and in general am so much more content and optimistic. I accepted I’m not perfect and accepted I’m an addict.  And that’s ok. I no longer chase perfection, just contentment in the moment. Open to my senses, follow my instincts with no dwelling or procrastination. I try to move as soon as I think. No gaps. Do before undone. Things outside my control I release. Meditation has helped me to achieve this by accepting all without judgement.

Creatively I am more in touch with my inner self and a better conduit for releasing art. I find it easier than ever to channel time and space through music making, finding balance between positive and negative space. My calling has gripped me hard, but encapsulates me in warmth and love. I love myself correctly now, with humility and passion. A delicate embrace with comfort fills my soul. I can feel its presence, unlike before. It’s new to me, but I love it and am so happy I am begining to find peace. Occasionally I cry with relief, this is also new to me. I never knew that feeling could exist.

Knowing and feeling what I know now, I will never abuse again.

Long live happiness. I will nurture my new found balance and strength and hopefully enhance the lives of those I love around me.