It’s the week before Christmas and I’m reflecting on how fortunate I am to have family and stability in my life. Although not perfect, I know that through a wide angled lens, life has been generous to me. Most people I know don’t have it as good as me and I should be very grateful for that, especially when they have it better than most in this difficult world. After all, I live in one of the most comfortable and affluent parts of the world, that is seen as the pinnacle of what life has to offer. One of the cornerstones of modern culture where only the most successful and wealthy in this world can live. So who am I to preach? What I do know is pain, suffering and sadness exists everywhere. It’s inescapable. Even in first world cities. Despite their magnetic appeal and assumption that they bring opportunity and wealth, they are often some of the loneliest and difficult places to live on earth.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about loneliness in addiction. I remember in my final years of being married to the bottle how lonely I felt at times, with many a night staring at a glass counting my sorrows, often alone, but also on occasion with other lost lonley souls. It’s well documented that addiction often rises from loneliness or abandonment in childhood and serves primarily as an escape from that pain. Now that Ive been sober almost a year I’m still trying to understand if I still feel lonely, and altogether I think I do. I’m not impatient about it, but accepting. It’s a long process and I’m only at the starting gate, ambling along, taking notice and embracing change, but loneliness sits with me. It’s hard to verbalise, but it’s there. A sense of not belonging, or having emptiness around me. It’s subtle, but it’s there. I don’t know if it’s linked to this city life. It’s all I’ve ever known, and to go from working in a team, day in and day out for the past 30 years to being self employed working from home, I feel somehow lonesome. Many of my friends have left the city, looking for a quieter life, and since dropping drinking and no longer having colleagues, my social interaction with people has become more limited.

My home life is also still up and down. My partner is still short with me on occasion and has expressed to me that she will need more time, and perhaps it will never work out. I’m accepting of that, as it’s also my reality. I can feel it too. Along with this solitude that follows me, I am assured of the journey that I’m on, and hope it will work out with my partner, but ultimately I’m alone. Everyone is. It’s sad that perhaps we will not find happiness together, as we share children, but that is not specific to us, after all 50% of relationships end in divorce and the other 50% have often had their fair share of strife. I hope that we can work it out. Our lives will be better if we can find happiness together, for everyone. But saying that, you can only try so much. If you are both compromising and trying and you still can’t find a balance, then a lifetime of unhappiness for the sake of others is probably not worth it. I’m still trying to understand this dynamic, through experience and reflection. I guess we all are. I can see as I get older that most long term couples struggle with this. It’s not easy to stay together with one person for the rest of your life and be happy; all the time. But we can try, make compromises and understand what makes the other happy, and loosen up on the issues that make you unhappy. If you share core values and find each other attractive, you should be able to at least live a better life together.

With Xmas around the corner it is especially a time for reclining, a little pampering and indulgence. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. We spend so much of the year trying to accomplish things, better ourselves and seek contentment, that this is the time of year to let that go. Enjoy the moment. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Share love and kindness and be ready to receive as well. This year will be my first sober festive season and I have made a vow to myself not to put too much pressure on myself. I hope to enjoy my time, savour all food and drink with no judgement. I plan to have some nice NoLos including IPA and Mocktails. I have become a fan of these drinks, but do not fear addiction to them. I was worried at first and in the early days they were a little problematic, but I am free now and recommend them as just an adult drink to any meal. Some of them are even good for you, packed with natural health supplements, so can be of benefit, along with being a pleasure. Right now, I’m enjoying Impossibrew and Erdinger along with Captain Morgan and Ginger Beer. Most of the time 2 or 3 is enough for me, but I guess it’s Christmas so we will see. It’s marathon after all, not a sprint! If we can make others happy, then hopefully, we can be too.