As I get older, I realise that we’re pretty much separated into two camps in life as adults. One that had children and one that didn’t. Society says that the ones that had children will be happier, but I’m not so sure. In my adult life I’ve begun to notice that there were couples that either chose to have, or were unable/didn’t want to have children. At first I thought why would you not want to have children? What a selfish thing to do. But now, I can see there are of course advantages to both sides of this debate. It’s surprising to see how midlife develops for both sides. For example I’ve noticed that my friends that have not had children, depend on a much wider social life for their interaction, where as my friends who have children, they gain a lot of their social time from within the family and become more family centric because of it. For example gravitating towards other families for their social interactions, for example. I think the best is to be able to sit somewhere in between and I can quite confidently state that perhaps I am one of those. My partner and I have a wide ranging family of friends with children, but we live our life in a very social manner, having parties, inviting people over, making sure we eat out regularly and meet as many people as possible. We also go on holiday frequently. We’re both very chatty, so we make friends easily, talking to all and anyone, on a daily basis.

Recently I’ve been beating myself up a bit, by missing the bachelor life. I’ve assumed that it is a right of passage and because I haven’t been reliving my 20s on a daily basis I feel hard done by and a tad bitter, but of course that is tosh. A complete facade, because life moves on. It’s not as if everybody approaching 50 is spending every night in a pub, concert hall, theatre or alike, making new bffs for life. But I guess, in my head, I’m not doing enough. Today they call FOFO, fear of missing out and I’m aware that I fall into this category occasionally, as do all of us.

I notice the days go by spending most of my social time with my partner and the kids, I reminisce about times with all the lads in my 20s, out every night having a laugh. Why am I not having that now? I have to remember that, that’s not how most 50 year-olds are living, and many of my best, oldest friends have left London now. They are big party animals, each one in their own right, plus addicts of course. Weed, alcohol, some still on class As too.

So things have changed and it’s ok.

My partner loves to party, so it’s always great with her and we regularly can get a crowd together quite easily. You’ve just got to reach out to people and be organised. So deep down, I know it’s not as bad a picture as it is in my mind. I still suffer. The negativity ghost eating away at my grey cells again no doubt!

So what if I’m not surrounded with loads of people looking to have a laugh every night of the week, at a click of my fingers. But somehow I expect it. It still feels as if it is my calling that I should be able to party, anytime anywhere, any night. Just ding a couple friends and they’ll be there, ready and waiting for a bender. I wonder why this is an issue for me? What makes me feel insecure for not having that life anymore? Is it because I know it’s a drug related thing? After all, that’s what addicts do. Chase and party, from one to the next, days blurring in to one. Or perhaps it was my way of life for so long that it will take years to shake.

I expect that I am seeking self gratification and being greedy. My dad put it in someway in a letter to my mum when I was a teenager saying that I had an insatiable desire for self gratification. And he was probably right in some way. The context of what he said was in one final letter to my Mum stating that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that his new wife, was his new world. Should I make him choose, it will be her. This was the very beginning of my slide.. and I’m only just getting off!

It must be said, though that there is a combination of factors that push certain people towards addiction. Genetics are also at play. Plus, some say that generational trauma can be carried from person to person. Then of course there are all the environmental factors that are commonly discussed. How that you’re brought up, where you live , you’re living circumstances, those who cradled you, and developed you from an early age, most of it through modelling, are factors that shape and mould an addict.

So altogether what I am getting at is that my mould and shape as a partygoer who gravitates towards energy and excitement can evolve and be a creative gift, as opposed to a paralysing plight into negative addiction cycles. Therefore this year, I really want to be able to appreciate what I’ve got and nurture those around me, along with myself. Make every effort to go out and bond with new and old friends, and continue to understand how to party without the influence of intoxication.

I also want to put less pressure on myself to expect to have the social life I did in my 20s. I need to understand my fear of missing out and appreciate the good times when they come and more importantly truly value what I have right in front of me, as it’s way better than how my 20s was!