It’s been a relatively calm week for my birthday. This time last year I was drinking every day, heavily, going from one party night to the next. This year has been a very different affair. Just lunch with my Mum and some west end shopping. There’s been so much change with me, yet deep down, I am of course the same person. Occasionally, I feel as if I don’t know myself, but I’ve been here all along. The years of drinking followed by morning hangovers, no matter the degree, they left there mark, daily. I used to accept them. I now marvel at my disillusionment, how I was played. The voodoo that you do, so well. My message in a bottle, steering my mind to drink, drink, drink. Sobriety has left me wide open, vulnerable but strong. It’s hard to describe, but is 2 coalescences, an oxymoron if you will. I have strength in my new found weakness. I am scared, but adventurous and fully embrace what’s next.

I can visualise my future and my options and that inspires me. I’m excited for my future and dare I say it a little impatient for it to realise. I’ve noticed that some things frustrate me, such as people I’m working with who are dragging their heels. I keep telling myself, be cool, that’s not you anymore, but deep down, it’s there, lurking. I’m naturally impatient. I’m the kind of guy who would rather not go somewhere if I have to queue. Airports are equally a nightmare for me. I’ll find myself using all kinds of coping mechanisms when I’m in these moments and although they seem to be helping, the initial instinct lingers.

I’m currently waiting for a manufacturer in France to complete my showreel and to date they have taken 5 weeks since the initial order. It’s derailed my plans for approaching artists in the downtime over Xmas, but hey, I know that it can’t be helped, it’s out of my hands, apart from the weekly nudging of Louis at the record plant to chiv things along.

My impatient anxiety is something I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life. Innate and spawned from deep in my soul. My path to acceptance winds on in search of something I can’t quite touch or grasp or imagine, but it’s there, as time passes. I can feel it.

Perhaps that’s why I love drugs so much, or being addicted to them. It deflects the attention and if my supply is uninterrupted, I can hit it again and again no waiting. Just how I like it, full control and ownership. Destiny fulfilled, for now. Perhaps I will never grow out of this entitlement. Divine right to self gratification. Is it just me, or do others feel this way too?

It’s a small price to pay, patience, so obvious but difficult for me. I see patience in others, it is graceful, generous and rewarding. I wish I could be more like that. I’m trying so hard and feel I’m succeeding, but it’s so prevalent in my raw emotions it’s undeniable. I guess with practice I can tame the beast. I am improving and that’s a good start. Even if it takes a lifetime, I can wait 😉

I’m an excitable extrovert. And perhaps this is the root of my lofty expectations, entitlement and impatience. I like the energised extrovert in myself and would never aim to quell my raw nature, however some gentle sculpting wouldn’t go amiss. I’m going to continue this year building on the foundations I’m laying and see where it takes me. So for now, I tell myself, relax and await what will be with Louis and crack on with other projects. The sands of time fall where they will, I am merely a boat navigating its waves beneath me. Mostly in control, but at their mercy and ultimate destination.