Is it possible to find balance once the damage is done? I wonder if you are always in recovery. They tell me so. When I attended Grow Live addiction centre they told me that it was possible to undo all my addiction and become a social drinker along with everyone else on the planet, only drinking on nights out etc or with a meal, one or two glasses. However, I was skeptical and still am.

I had a whiff of a bottle of red the other day and it smelt divine, luring me in. It was a good bottle of Bordeaux, superior class if you know your ratings. I’m sure I would not be able to stop at one, but possibly after two or three, but who knows. The fear would be the following day and then day after that. I’m quite sure it would open the floodgates and become day, after day until dependence set in once again. Either way I’m not prepared to take the risk. Although I miss it in certain situations, it’s simply too dangerous to give the booze a chance.

It’s a small price to pay to abstain, as the amount of damage it caused me last time is not worth returning to. I can look at all the external problems I had, such as arguing with my partner and not being my best work, but internally I was poisoning my body and most likely shortening my life. I was always tired and couldn’t be happy without a drink. Now that I have full control of that, it is not worth taking the risk to find out if I can indeed just have one small drink. All the evidence says that there are many people who can be social drinkers, it’s just in their dna that they don’t succumb to addiction that easily, where there are others who do. I think that I am one of them. Destined for addiction. So for now I will not render myself to temptation. Perhaps one day I will experiment and see how I respond, but I am no where near that level of confidence or assurance in my strength yet. Yes I know how to abstain, but to find the balance? I’m not willing to roll the dice. My new life is just to precious to me, so moving forward, it’s out of the question.

I have no sorrow for its loss. I don’t reminisce or crave, but I know its hold is strong once invited in.

It’s the end of January, and so many are ending there month of abstinence, dry January. They are many around me saying things like, I can’t wait to have a drink.. it makes me think everyone is addicted to some level. Even those who have a drink once or twice a month. To tell them it’s off the table would not be welcomed given its pivotal place in modern society. The best times accompanied by fermented sugars. The height of our good times.

When I see how central it is to so many people’s lives, I’m amazed that I have been able to abstain. It’s very rare that I meet other non drinkers, or those in recovery. I feel alone in that way, but it’s minor in comparison to how I was before. There were so many times I was sad, depressed and hopeless. I honestly do not feel that way ever anymore and to think that I also was accepting of taking my life at times is a sure fire reason never to start again. I used to believe I felt this way because of my life, with the drink just being a crutch, but now I know, it was the alcohol. A depressant. A devilish creeper that takes life away. And so now I’m free from its clutch and with it, I can hopefully find my balance and true value to myself and others.

I have my 1 year anniversary fast approaching and even though it’s a landmark, deep down it is of insignificance to me. It’s not a race, or a sentence. It’s a journey, a beautiful colourful one, as I continue to explore who I am and who I can be.