This journey has been the most life challenging and revealing experience of my life. I never thought giving up alcohol and drugs would be so complex, positive and life changing. It’s just the beginning for me and I still have so much more to learn. I feel like I’ve lost so much time to this world. The doors are wide open. The choice is mine. Internally I feel younger, there are more possibilities within my reach. I’m more outgoing and more open to new experiences. All because I put the bottle down. I love travelling now and I’m blessed that I have the privilege to be able to do so. I can’t believe how lucky I am. My life has vastly improved, I am finally enjoying the present and because my career is no longer centre stage, I’ve been able to live. I’m currently in the Alps on my first skiing holiday, something I always turned my nose up to in the past, possibly because of the expense, but also because I loved being at home in my area surrounded by all the enabling scenarios, people and places, the familiarity that solidify alcohol abuse. I too fed into others dependence. It’s as if we are all reliant on each other to drink, share and re-affirm our normality.

I remember when I first went to Morocco 2 years ago. I was still drinking and upon arrival, I realised it was an alcohol free country, it terrified me. And although there was alcohol available in pockets, every day was frightening, waiting for that moment that I could escape to something like a speakeasy. My partner often reminds me of the moment we found a supermarket that sold alcohol, and my friend and I bought 15 bottles of wine between us. One each for every night that we were there. My friend had actually given up alcohol altogether for some years, but it had come to a point where she could take it or leave it, so most nights I was probably finishing her bottle too. I managed to get drunk most nights and my partner hated it. We rowed and rowed. It was the beginning of the end of alcohol for me. I always remember that holiday as the turning point, it was 8 months later that I fully quit, but not before reducing my daily intake to try and become a social drinker. That didn’t work for me. Why? Because I am an addict. Or was. Apparently my physical dependence is now gone, but psychologically I’m not ready. I daren’t event entertain that notion. My new life is just too precious to me.

I had a sniff of a bottle again last night from my partner who opened a bottle of Gamay. It smelt divine, even for a wine I never really liked, however it was very easy to put it down. To forget about it and move on. Alcohol doesn’t have that grasp on me anymore. Also, I think I imagine if I actually took a sip, that may be a different matter, who knows where that will lead. I’m not about to start experimenting.

On the actual day of my year anniversary (4th feb) I didn’t do much. I thought I might go out and celebrate by having a double zero beer somewhere, but no it just turned into a day like any other. A few days later I went to a pub in my local area, The Malt and Hops, I walked up to the bar and ordered a double zero Guinness. I began talking to one of the locals. There were perhaps seven or eight other men drinking. I could pretty much imagine all of the conversations and anecdotes being shared. And that they were all probably dependent on each other for affirmation of misuse themselves.

The first thing that the man at the bar asked me when I ordered the zero Guinness was, ‘was that a taste preference?’ I said to him that I’m in recovery, he said back to me, ‘recovery from what?’, I told him alcoholism. It was the first time I’ve ever said to anybody that I was dependent outside my family. He was rocked, surprised, apologetic but then inquisitive and asked me lots of questions about it. He was quite amazed and in someway proud for me, a total stranger. He told me how I had amazing strength. We discussed how people have different levels of addiction, he’s probably right, but perhaps he was trying to justify his own dependence. I imagine he was trying as much as I used to, to deny his own addiction. We were the only people talking in the pub at this point, you could hear a pin drop. I think all of the other drinkers were listening and we’re thinking, you know what I should probably give up as well, then in an instant they would relinquish that idea. I left the pub and surprisingly, I broke down in tears. I still haven’t quite worked out why, but I think it was because it was symbolic, but also because I just love going into pubs, having a drink and meeting strangers. That was one of the draws for me. I love to talk and I miss it. I love to meet new people and chew the fat and I can’t really do that anywhere else apart from a Pub. That culture simply doesn’t exist anywhere else, not in coffee shops, bowling alleys and not in the gym. But I do try and just talk to people wherever I go, enjoy whatever conversation I have. That is something innate within me, it doesn’t have to be anything more than that. It doesn’t have to be a parallel with my drinking days.

Altogether, I have realised that alcohol takes more away from life than adds to it. The negatives far out way any positives that could even be possibly considered. Sure, I miss the feeling of dying for a drink and satisfying that quench in that psychological day in, day out feeling – desire, relief roller coaster, but it’s not happiness. It leads to depression, sadness, anxiety bitterness and regret. At least for me it did. Constantly chasing something and almost getting it. I hope that any alcoholic reading this can realise that they can do it and they should try to give up for a month, a year and see how they feel. I never thought it would be this good, but it is. Life is so much better in every way. I feel more alive and more connected to this planet, people and humanity.

My relationship with my partner is greatly improved and although not perfect I can see a future with her and the kids. Altogether we’ve been together 13 years and although not perfect, we’re both trying to find a balance between each other. I would most certainly be more unhappy by myself and without this beautiful family that I’ve been given. I know that if we all stay together, we’ll all be happier, so I have a role to play as we all do, to try and make life as rewarding and beautiful as possible for all four of us.

A year ago I was facing ruin, and today I’m full of optimism hope and excitement for the future. I will continue to write this blog, but I may take it in a new direction as I feel my balance has been found. My second chance has arrived and I’m grasping it with both hands and not letting go.