I’ve been having a conversation with myself that has extended to others. We all have it, we all share this issue in our lives. We put pressure on ourselves thinking about it and in turn it has a tendency to blind us from the great things we accomplish. What I am talking about is the fear of not achieving our potential. That last five percent that makes us feel we can be the best version of ourselves. Whether it be finally chiseling our muscles in the gym to look like the son of Zeus, or getting that job promotion or even finding the quietness within our minds, that final hurdle can be the most difficult and the most disrupting if pondered on for too long. So although I have these goals in my mind that I’m not quite achieving, I’m determined not to let them consume me and dominate my mood, thus spawning negativity into my present. I have a tendency to do that. I’m a perfectionist at heart and in some ways that has been a great strength for me over the years, but also one of my biggest weaknesses, especially when it comes to my mental well-being. In parts I think we all have this, but for me, it was especially entrenched into my mindset by my careerist driven parents from birth. Somehow I was told that we were special, more special than others, from a lineage of ancestors that excelled, led others, broke new ground, inspired others and were ‘better’. A gene pool of brilliance that should be exemplified in any offspring of our clan. An arrogant, divisive approach that can have deep rooted consequences for anyone growing up in that mindset. I am determined not to continue this trend with my children. I see other parents at my children’s school pushing their children to do better constantly, and although I want my children to be on track, I certainly do not push them to excel beyond their peers. I believe that with varied activities and consistent teaching and learning techniques; including assertive questioning, supportive dialogue, freedom and respect, unconditional love and patience, my children will thrive and find their true direction in life for themselves. Give them the tools and they will find the answers. Ultimately I want them to be happy, and that involves being true to yourself, developing self-love, kindness and respect and releasing a free mind to explore  what life has to offer.

I guess I have been thinking about this alot recently, as my current work contract has come to a close and I’m yet to gain a new one. Technically I’m currently without a job and am 3 weeks away from not having a penny to my name. I’m not worried though as I have confidence that I can find a new job, supply teaching if I really need it. It’s good that I have a profession I can always fall back to if I need funds.

The weather is changing and we are heading towards Autumn. I’m definitely not thinking about drinking at all, but do wonder what those dark cold long nights will be like without guzzling a bottle of wine by the fire. I seem to have discovered a way to enjoy life without it, but only with the aid of sunshine and long days. I guess my path will present itself day by day. Tomorrow I have sound meditation and am looking forward to releasing my body to the crystal bowls tuned to 432hz. It’s a very calming experience and I fully recommend any of you reading this give it a go if you can. Often called sound baths they are fantastically healing, resonating with various chakra points throughout your body, bringing better balance and harmony within.

Another week down and I feel I have reached where I was pre drinking, perhaps in my mid-teens. It’s strange to think back to when I was addicted and how I have changed. I almost can’t remember or identify with the previous me. I’m still loud and chatty, but perhaps less gobby and antagonistic. People tell me how proud they are of me and how well I look and am doing. It’s great to feel that I have that support and people notice. Next week I will hopefully hear news regarding my contract and can then start making plans for the coming months.