So Xmas has been and gone, it was a good one, with no dramas, no cravings and of course no alcohol. However my sleep is not great and I remain restless.

I am continuing to dream about work colleagues despite leaving two years ago. Every time I dream about them, I wake up feeling sad, whether it was a happy dream or partial nightmare. However, the same result is felt every time I awaken, sadness and regret, coupled with a smidgen of anger. I’ve been trying to decipher why I feel this way, and why it is not diminishing despite it being a long time ago. Perhaps it’s because I felt so unloved when I left, so alone. I still to this day don’t even know how true that is. I think people liked me but my job was not to be liked. I was vice principal, and my job was to get the best from people, but also to hold them to account. I was feared, but did I set that tone with people or was it my history and legacy of leading the organisation for 10 years?In the early days, I had to move on lots of staff who underperformed and were unable to up their game. At the time I didn’t care what people thought of me, but as the organisation evolved and I built my dream team, it then began to matter. However my reputation remained. If you weren’t good or better at your job, I would move you on. The truth is I didn’t have many friends there. I didn’t make any friends for life, but does that even matter? I knew it at the time that I hadn’t actually bonded with anybody, apart from Richy Pitch and sadly he passed away, so why do I care so much? And why do I dream about it all the time?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actually ego based and what actually upset me was that I left just before accomplishing my ambition in work. To take an organisation to grade one outstanding under the Ofsted scale. This was achieved six months after I left and that is what I feel bitter about. It shows me that I still haven’t completely lost my ego because if I had I wouldn’t give a damn. I’ve tried to picture what it would have been like to leave the organisation following the Ofsted inspection. Knowing that I had achieved my career goal and realised it would have been very different. I would be happier now more than ever. Finally content and more at peace with myself. Despite knowing this, I cannot shake the symptoms of regret and solitude. I can’t turn back the clock and start a new organisation and take it from grade 3 to grade one. That time has passed. It took me 20 years to get to that position and besides I actually have no desire to work in a school environment ever again. It is so tough. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and it just didn’t happen for me. But again why do I care? I know that all the work I did made the organisation grade one and so wha if six months later they achieved it? I know that the work that I put in, the culture I established and all the people I hired and schooled into my way of thinking, achieved that grade, so why can’t I get past this? I need to release my ego. I need to find a way of being settled about this. It’s as if my head says you did it, but my heart says no. This morning I was thinking if only I would’ve stayed, I’d be free and content and peaceful, so knowing that, why can’t I finally let go? I have to find a way and it’s really challenging me. I think I finally might need some therapy to unlock this, as it’s been going on too long without resolution. It could be that it is linked to the same childhood issue that led to my addictive disorders. Approval and expectation. What I do know is you can’t change the past, it’s done. There is only now and the future and if I had to refine it, there is only now as the future is only a reflection of what happens in the present.

What is also so perplexing, is that I have so many wonderful things in my life including my family, my children and also the direction I have moved in since leaving education. Overall, I’m so much happier and healthier, so why does the past affect me so much? I need resolution because I do not want to carry this with me, day in, day out inhabiting the back of my mind, festering, fermenting and solidifying into my daily thoughts. Rationally, I know where I stand, but clearly in some deep and resonating way the regret and resentment muster, linger and underpin my mental wellbeing. They almost serve as a blockage, a wall to me achieving peace and in doing so they remind me of why I turned to alcohol all those years ago. It’s at times like this where I remember and render myself into addictions comfort. That I fancy a drink or a smoke to quieten the voices. I understand it’s calling and why so many of us are drawn to its embrace. However I am too experienced now, too much pain. It’s all fake news and I know it.

With that all said, the big picture is rosey for me and with small steps I know I will overcome this last hurdle, eventually.

It’s new year next week and I’m very much looking forward to a party we have planned at our house for all of our friends. I hope that 2025 will bring love, peace, exciting times and balance to all those I love and hopefully myself also.